I'm One of Those People Who Gets Addicted Easily

     I just finished watching the very first episode of Lost on Netflix and I am already hooked.  I can't wait to watch and see and figure out what that big scary thing is and what's going to happen next.  And watching that made me decide to get on here and try to list some things I've been into lately.  Maybe other people like the same things as me and maybe I'm the only one in the world who enjoys what I enjoy and I have really bad taste in everything.  I don't care.  I'm going to post my opinions anyway.  It's my blog.  I can do that if I want to.
     I recently finished watching Wildfire.  You know, the show with the horse?  I watched the whole series.  Every episode.  There's only like 52 so it didn't take very long.  I watch way too much Netflix.  So, I really liked the show.  It's basically all about one girl, one guy, and one horse.  It's simple and it doesn't hurt your head to try and remember what happened in the last episode.
     I also just got caught up with The Secret Life of the American Teenager.  Geez did I cry in that last one!  I won't spoil it for you.  You have to watch for yourself.  I like that show because of the story.  Whoever wrote that did a great job but the acting is worse than average.  By a lot.
     Probably my favorite show ever (NOT INCLUDING Reality Television) is One Tree Hill.  I'm a couple of episodes behind but I'll get there.  It's hard to recommend that show tho because it's a show that you really have to see every single episode of before you can understand.  And there's been like 8 seasons so it's basically too late to start now.  Sorry.
     The show I never ever miss is The Bachelorette.  Or The Bachelor.  Or Bachelor Pad.  They're all basically the same and tho they're totally trashy and worthless and every episode lasts 2 whole hours, I am totally hooked.  I just love it.  I always fall in love right along with the people on the show.  Which is so goofy.    I know.  But it's not like I'm the only one.  That show has endless ridiculous fans just like me.
     I also seriously enjoy Paranormal State and Beyond Scared Straight on A&E.  Those are also embarrassing.
   
     How about books?
     I read the first 7 books in the Pretty Little Liars series and although they're not the kind of books that have any kind of substance or provoke thought in any way... I liked them.  All of them.  I always finish wanting to know what happens next.  In fact, the 8th book is on its way to my house right now.
     I finished Shana Twain's autobiography titled From This Moment On and it was so completely incredible.  She really did a great job and her life has been so....full and confusing and difficult, she had so much to share and I loved being a part of it.  That book is LONG tho so you really have to commit.
     The next book I read was The Pact: A Love Story by Jodi Picoult. OH MY GOSH it was fantastic!  By far the best book I've read in a long time.  It was sweet and funny and happy and sad and surprising.  I definitely recommend it, especially if you're a girl.  My Sister's Keeper is another good one by Jodi.  The book is way better than the movie.

     I think that's all I have for now but don't think for one minute that's the last you'll hear from me!!

Why Can't We Be Friends??

     So.
     Have you ever been able to maintain a healthy friendship with someone you were previously dating?  Can you go back to being "just friends" with an ex?  There's no debating the fact that I have never personally accomplished this, even though I've tried more than just one time.  But what I want to know is not whether I can do it, but if anyone can.  Is it even possible for exes to be friends?
     I doubt it.  Most things in life that I know anything about involve lines.  You go so far and draw a line.  Maybe the goal is to cross the line, break your record, take another step.  But there are other lines that we cross that we'd prefer to re-cross and get back to the other side.  But the lines in life- or all the ones I've ever been a part of- can not be uncrossed. And unfortunately this seems to be the case with the Friendship Line.  Don't you agree?
     Once you cross over from being buddies only to something more, I don't think there's a way to have any other kind of relationship.  You're stuck with a romantic relationship, or no relationship at all.  And so far, the only other possibility I see is just a whole lot of awkwardness and I can't stand that.  Awkward is the worst!
     I once dated my best friend.  And now that we aren't together, I can't tell him all that stuff that you only tell your best friend.  I have a new best friend.  And my relationship with her is fantastic.  She may even be a BETTER best friend...  But she isn't the same.  She can't replace the one I lost and I lost it for good because of stupid lines. I wish you could choose which writing utensil you want to use to draw your lines.  Like:: "This one I'm drawing in thick black sharpie marker, but this one over here let's put in pencil."  You know what I mean?
     But if everyone was able to undo every mistake they ever made then none of us would ever learn anything.  And we'd all probably end up spending the rest of our lives in relationships with the wrong people.  Those people we were meant to breakup with.
     Who wrote the rules for relationships?  I'd really like to know so that I could smack them hard across the face.

This bar here isn't big enough for the title I want to put here

     So I haven't really posted in a while.  This is not because I haven't had anything to say. No no no, now that's a ridiculous thought.  I haven't posted because I've had too much to say.  All these thoughts that are racing around in my head without any sort of common thing.  What is my problem?  Why can't I relax?  Geez.
     I'm not happy.  At all.  And I have this childish feeling that nobody is listening to me.  And WOW can that make a girl angry.  But what am I supposed to do?  Yell and rebel?  That's mature.  I don't even know if I want to be mature.  I'm in the mood to throw a big fit.  And I would if I thought that would do any good.
     I'm awfully blessed.
     I'm awfully blessed.
     I'm awfully blessed.
     I keep telling myself that, but I'm still pissed off.  I think what I want is for things to be easy.  Even SOME things being easy would be good enough.  But nothing is easy, everything is stressful, and I think I've hit my limit. It's something like 28 days until I move out of my house to go to college.  I'm so excited, especially since I have the most wonderful roommate in the whole entire world.  But I want someone around here to act like they're going to miss me.  Good grief, people, can't you at least pretend?
     And why are boys stupid?  You know the only real thing I want from a guy?  For him to say what he means and mean what he says.  Anything else, I could work around but I need this part and I don't think there's one single fricking guy out there who can do it. Grrrrrr.
     I don't even know what else to say.  Not that that's all of what I WANT to say.  No no no, there's definitely more however, I don't know how to convey it all to a blog. I'm a mess.

College Car :)

This is my new car and I love it.  I'm still looking for a name, but that will come.  This beauty was sitting in my driveway waiting for me when I got out of the hospital (about 12 hours ago).  I'm a lucky girl and I can't wait to see where these wheels will take me!! Vroooom!! :)

Possible to Stay Positive??

     I'm currently sitting here in a hospital bed with an IV in my hand (that's the WORST spot, ain't it??) and haven't had outside food since Tuesday night. There isn't anything fun to do here. I'm sick of television and I want to use my own bathroom. The shower has a chair in it. That wouldn't be a big deal, except that people are naked in the shower and chair are for sitting and naked butts....oh gosh, it's so gross. In addition, you have to let the nurses know whenever you go into the bathroom AND they write down what happened in there. Oh geez. The nurses aren't keeping my meds on time and every single minute that they're late is one more minute tagged on to my stay here in heck. Ugh.
     Needless to say I'm ready to be at my own house in my own room in my own bed with my own smells -I sooo wish I could have my Scentsy here!! I want to go home. And yet everyone keeps telling me to stay happy. And to be positive. Are they nuts?? I can't. I'd love to be cheerful and excited and thankful, but it's so difficult. Yuck. Now, not only do I hate where I am and want to be somewhere else... I have to feel guilty for being miserable. As if being miserable isn't terrible enough all on its own. Grrr.
     Thanks a lot family and friends for making me feel terrible about myself!! Hahahaha I plan to get you all back someday by making you feel very guilty for feelings that are simply not your fault. Ha.

Forgive. And Forget??

     Oh my my my, am I stressed!! I'm headed to the hospital Wednesday to stay for a few days and try to get my pain levels down and plus there's all this college stuff with classes and buying junk for our room, not to mention crazy psycho girls who only want to make drama for me. And then there's this boy. Of course. There's always a boy. But I'm not complaining. Just wondering.

     The thing I need to know now is how far forgiveness goes. What sorts of things fall under the forgiveness umbrella. I don't need anyone to tell me how many times to forgive. I get that. You must forgive forever and ever and even still you own't come close to forgiving the way Jesus did. And nobody needs to tell me when to forgive. I got that covered too.
     But must we forget?? When you forgive someone who has wronged you, hurt you, betrayed you, lied to you, and so on, do you also have to immediately go back to the way things were?? Am I supposed to pretend that I think acting that way is okay?? Well then, I need some prayers because I don't think I can!! What ever happened to "fool me twice, shame on me"??
     I'm having trouble finding the balance. I've forgiven. It's over. I don't intend to hold a grudge by any means. But I am completely unable to go right back to the level of friendship and trust that I had before. I want to, so badly, and I can see it in the future. For now, though, it just can't happen.
     And I feel guilty.
     How is that fair?? I didn't DO anything!! I forgave. But I remember all too well the sting of what happened not too long ago and it's ruining a relationship I'd love to have.
   
     All I can see to do here is pray. Please, Lord, let me have my buddy back. Mend my heart (and blur my memory).

In Honor of Father's Day

     Since today is Father's Day I really felt like sharing my number one favorite all-time memory of my dad. His finest parenting moment EVER. And yes, if you're wondering, I am going to cry while writing this for you to see.
     The first thing you need to know is that I suffer from a chronic pain conditions and it kills my dad and the rest of my family. It's one of those things where I'm forced to be in pain all of the time and there is nothing he can do. He just has to watch and as a daddy, he'd rather be saving the day and making me better.
     Because of this condition, I'm stuck going through various unpleasant treatments now and then to relieve my pain- some of these work for me, and some simply don't help at all. When this story takes place, I was at a particularly horrible moment where the pain was utterly excruciating and the treatment the doctors had me doing was making me sicker and sicker by the minute. I was not even able to get up off the floor before throwing up again and again, couldn't sleep yet wanted to, and I was confused which made me extremely emotional and I was crying a lot just from all the un-fun things happening at once.
     Because I couldn't stand without getting sick, I was spending the time between my vomits laying in the floor in various locations around my house (sometimes when you're sick, you do things like this that don't make any sense). I was laying in the hallway on the floor crying and just being plain miserable and my dad was a room away in the living room sitting in his chair watching tv. He paused the show and he said to me, "Man, I'm so sorry, sis" and I mumble something in return like "Not your fault." He turned on the volume again.
     Not one full minute passed before he muted the show again and called out "H, what do we need to do? How can I help you?" and I thought for only a second before telling him "There's nothing at all that anyone can do." and I believed it. He once again turned up his tv show to hear it.
     This time it was less than 20 seconds before my daddy turned off the television completely and got up out of his chair. He walked quietly across the living room and into the hallway entrance. He got down on his knees, then his hands, then he lay down on the floor. He ran his fingers through my hair and said a prayer for me out loud. This wasn't the preacher kind of prayer that I hear him give all the time- he IS a preacher, you know. This one was, instead a broken-hearted dad who just wanted someone to make his little girl feel better.  I don't know what he said exactly, but I remember realizing that I had been wrong when I told him that nobody could do anything to make it better. He found a way.
     He stayed there for a few minutes playing with my hair and singing old church songs to me. I didn't want to move, but after a too-short amount of time I whispered that I had to go get sick again. He had a tear in his eye and he said "That's okay, sweetie. I'll wait here and you can come right back. I love you."
     It made me feel guilty that even though he was trying, and even though he wanted so badly for me to be better, I had to leave the sweetest moment of my entire life to go do the thing he wanted least for me- be sick. I know, of course, this wasn't actually my fault and that guilt over that is a silly thing.
     I'll never ever forget that night. I was 17 and had Kansas City Chiefs pajamas on when I realized there was nobody in the whole entire world who would ever love me near as much as my daddy does.
     Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there- especially mine.

Is This For Real??

     Thursday and Friday of this week I was at an event at Harding called Summer Stampede where we registered for classes and a ton of other things that really smacked me in the face that this Moving Out, Going to College, No More High School stuff is seriously happening an it's happening NOW. It's so crazy!! I'm so excited to see what's ahead for me and what God's plans for my future are, but goodness. I'm also as scared as I have ever been.
     I'm the kind of girl that like to know.
     "Where are we going to eat?" "I don't know, where do you want to?" "I don't care where, I just want to know."
     That's me. All the time. Every day. About the silliest little things. But for college, I don't get to do that. It's probably for my own good. I mean, sure, I know who my roommate is and what my class schedule is, and those seem like big things but there is so much more I'm curious about!! I want to KNOW what it's going to be like.

     High School wasn't a great experience for me. This fact has NOTHING to do with the classes or the people just several unlucky events mostly including medical things, so I honestly haven't done full-time school in a couple of years. And, yeah, I'm really freaking out about that. It just seems to me like before I try to tackle college I ought to practice and I'm completely out of the loop right now. Oh my.
     I realize I'm being silly. That throughout my rough high school days and all those days before that God has taken great care of me. And "who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" Right??
     But that's never stopped me from worrying before!! Ha!!

     I just want it to be August so that I can get to Harding and have all my fears relieved. :) It's going to be a fantastic four years!!

New Pics :)

These are some new pics by Emily and Stew Wand at Pinnhead Photography. It was loads of fun!!

Ames Inspired

     So. Anybody out there watch the Bachelorette besides me?? I'm entirely addicted and I should be ashamed to admit that, but it is what it is. Anyway, I was watching it tonight and this guy, Ames, got me really thinking about a lot of different things, and so I decided to lay them all out here.
We'll see how that goes for me.
     Since the start of the season I haven't 'fallen in love with' Ames, because he jsut didn't stand out to me. In any way at all. He's just average-looking, with a big forehead, he's not particularly smart or funny and he's quiet. He's never the center of attention, never at the front of the scene so as someone watching on TV....I never really noticed him. You have to be sort of odd or unusual to be noticed on shows like these.
     Tonight, however, we got to see his first one-on-one date with Ashley and he shocked me!! He was witty and hilarious and extremely charming. I liked him more and more as the day went on. And it seems that Ashley felt the same way. She was falling for him fast and I can't wait to see how there relationship turns out. (Yes, I really am invested in these things!!)
     But the thing that got me the most involved in Ames and his charm was the way he lives his life. At one point in the date, Ashley was asking him why he did everything in a spontaneous manner; why all of his plans were last minute, and he replied so simply to her "Because the last minute is the best minute."
     I'm crazy about that quote!!
     I am a girl who is nuts about lists, calenders, plans, and appointments and I want to be the kind of person who chucks all that out the window. I want to live in THIS moment and enjoy every second, making endless last-second plans and last-minute decisions. No more planning ahead. Who knows if we're even going to get to see tomorrow??
     It's funny to me that a man on a reality TV show inspired me to change the way I live tonight. But it's the gosh-darn truth. It's definitely going to take me awhile to adjust to this drastic way of living but I'm ready to see what life is like when you only live in today!!
    I'll keep you posted on how that works!!