That Boy :)

     I'm awake at 6:53 in the morning right now and I've been up for just short of one hour.  I can't sleep.  Not even a little.  I don't feel sleepy.  Or tired.  Or drowsy or anything of the sort.  I just feel happy.  And it's all because of this guy.
     Guys, I know you're thinking I'm sounding really crazy right now.  And maybe that's the truth.  Maybe I'm nuts.  But what I'm feeling is for real.  It's harsh and it's loud and it's awesome.  I've never felt this way before.  I fell for a guy in 6 days.  That's right.  I did.  Impossible?  I would've said so too.  And I didn't mean to.  I mean, really, I have to move out in only 3 days, and I was NOT hunting for a new relationship just before I went to college.  Don't be silly.  That is like life's number one rule:  Do not go to college tied down.
     Well guess what, ya'll.  I'm breaking it.  You would too if you could feel this.
     I don't want to go to college anymore.  I want to stay right here with him.  I trust him more than is healthy.  I think about him constantly.  He's not just a guy.  He's something crazy and the timing is terrible, but what can I do?
I'm entirely hopeless.  I'm a goner.  I'm hooked.  I'm stuck. And I'm happy about it.

The Fill-In

     I had an extremely rough day today.
     Here I am, trying to go to college in only 14 days, when I receive some devastating news concerning some monetary help I was going to get from Disability.  In short, the news was that it's not happening.  It was a large amount of money.  I really needed it.  And I honestly feel that I deserve it.  Guys, I've never wanted anything in my whole life as much as I want to go to Harding University.  It's been a struggle from day number one and I truly believed that I had finally settled everything.  All was good and in place and ready for me to go to my dream school.  And now it's as if I'm starting all over.  Ugh!
     The problem is not that I want to give up.  The issue is that I have no idea what to do next.  I don't have a plan B because my plan A came together!  Where can I come up with a large sum of money in only two weeks? Who can I turn to?  What will I do if the money doesn't appear?  I know God will provide, but I don't believe in sitting on my butt to wait for it.  I have to keep fighting.  But I just do not know how.
     Feeling totally defeated, I headed into work.  I was late, due to the Disability meeting and I didn't want to go in at all.  My heart wasn't in it today.  But when I walked upstairs, I saw my fill-in relaxing with my kids everyone enjoying themselves and I smiled.  It was so sweet. ((Let's take a pause in the story to note that the fill-in saved the day at the last second when I realized I couldn't make it into work at 10pm last night.  He rocks.))
     Quickly discovering that I was having a rough day, the fill-in and hero of today set his sights on making it better.  By staying a whole extra hour to talk, insisting that I was not allowed to cry, and by continuing to text me long after we had both left work for the day.  Encouraging me and distracting me and entertaining me.  And would you like to know something?  He succeeded.  He helped me get through today and I don't think he even knows how grateful I am to have his help- NOT just at work.  What a good guy :)
     Problems will resolve themselves and sadness fades.  I'm so so glad I didn't let a whole day waste without a little happiness in it. All thanks to The Fill-In.

The 40 Most Difficult Goodbyes of My Life

     I am one of those rare and lucky people who get to go to work every single day and love their job with their whole entire being.  I was made for this job.  I'm good at it and it makes me happy.  Lots of people that I know would end up homeless before going to work at the place of my employment.  But not me.  In fact, even on days I don't have to be at work I go there to unwind.  To not think so hard for just a little bit.  I get so caught up in the noise and commotion and chaos that nothing outside those doors matters for just a little while.  I feel comfortable there.  I feel loved there.
     I work at a daycare.
     I love the kids that I am privileged to work with more than I love my own life.  I pray for them every night and I constantly wonder what they're up to when I'm apart from them for more than a day.  They're my world.  And the very best part is that they love me too.  It's a magical feeling, you know.  Love from a child is unlike any other love I've ever been a part of.  With a boyfriend, you can never know for totally sure if he'll go on loving you tomorrow and the day after and the day after that.  But with those kids, I can wake up in the morning certain that they'll be happy to see me when I walk through that door.  That's the kind of thing that, to me, gives a life meaning and value.  To love and be loved unconditionally is something some people never know.
     When I have to take off of work for an extended period, I always explain exactly to the kids where I will be.  I use maps and calendars and we use colors to demonstrate just how long I'll be gone and what I will be up to.  If you don't tell the kids these things, they worry.  And they are always so understanding about when I have to miss our time together to be someplace else.
     But this one is new for all of us.
     Miss Haley has to leave for college.  And I won't be working there any longer.  At all.
     It totally breaks my heart to leave them.  But every song has an ending and God has nudged me, telling me it's time to move on.  I know taking the next step in my life involves leaving these kids that I love so deeply and care about so much.
     The problem isn't as much me as it is them.  They are not going to understand.  They won't get it.  I can show them where I'll be but they are going to demand to know when I will come back. And sure, I'll visit, but that will only be more confusing. Ugh.
     As I move out and head to Harding, I'll remember them and picture them asking the other workers "Where's Miss Haley?" and even as I think of it now I just want for them to be able to tell the kids I will be right there.  You may think this is pathetic but they hold my heart.  And I'm leaving a piece of me behind.  Leaving these kids will be at least as tough as leaving my family.  These kids are like MY kids.
     I wish I had some way to convey to them how much I love them.  I wish that somehow they could see into the future and wish me luck.  Their support would mean the world to me.  I know I can make them proud.  And I don't have a lot of options.  I just got hug them tight, kiss them one more time, and head out into the world to try and be somebody else's hero.
     I have 6 more days to work at the daycare.  Then I have to say the 40 most difficult goodbyes of my life.

I'm One of Those People Who Gets Addicted Easily

     I just finished watching the very first episode of Lost on Netflix and I am already hooked.  I can't wait to watch and see and figure out what that big scary thing is and what's going to happen next.  And watching that made me decide to get on here and try to list some things I've been into lately.  Maybe other people like the same things as me and maybe I'm the only one in the world who enjoys what I enjoy and I have really bad taste in everything.  I don't care.  I'm going to post my opinions anyway.  It's my blog.  I can do that if I want to.
     I recently finished watching Wildfire.  You know, the show with the horse?  I watched the whole series.  Every episode.  There's only like 52 so it didn't take very long.  I watch way too much Netflix.  So, I really liked the show.  It's basically all about one girl, one guy, and one horse.  It's simple and it doesn't hurt your head to try and remember what happened in the last episode.
     I also just got caught up with The Secret Life of the American Teenager.  Geez did I cry in that last one!  I won't spoil it for you.  You have to watch for yourself.  I like that show because of the story.  Whoever wrote that did a great job but the acting is worse than average.  By a lot.
     Probably my favorite show ever (NOT INCLUDING Reality Television) is One Tree Hill.  I'm a couple of episodes behind but I'll get there.  It's hard to recommend that show tho because it's a show that you really have to see every single episode of before you can understand.  And there's been like 8 seasons so it's basically too late to start now.  Sorry.
     The show I never ever miss is The Bachelorette.  Or The Bachelor.  Or Bachelor Pad.  They're all basically the same and tho they're totally trashy and worthless and every episode lasts 2 whole hours, I am totally hooked.  I just love it.  I always fall in love right along with the people on the show.  Which is so goofy.    I know.  But it's not like I'm the only one.  That show has endless ridiculous fans just like me.
     I also seriously enjoy Paranormal State and Beyond Scared Straight on A&E.  Those are also embarrassing.
   
     How about books?
     I read the first 7 books in the Pretty Little Liars series and although they're not the kind of books that have any kind of substance or provoke thought in any way... I liked them.  All of them.  I always finish wanting to know what happens next.  In fact, the 8th book is on its way to my house right now.
     I finished Shana Twain's autobiography titled From This Moment On and it was so completely incredible.  She really did a great job and her life has been so....full and confusing and difficult, she had so much to share and I loved being a part of it.  That book is LONG tho so you really have to commit.
     The next book I read was The Pact: A Love Story by Jodi Picoult. OH MY GOSH it was fantastic!  By far the best book I've read in a long time.  It was sweet and funny and happy and sad and surprising.  I definitely recommend it, especially if you're a girl.  My Sister's Keeper is another good one by Jodi.  The book is way better than the movie.

     I think that's all I have for now but don't think for one minute that's the last you'll hear from me!!

Why Can't We Be Friends??

     So.
     Have you ever been able to maintain a healthy friendship with someone you were previously dating?  Can you go back to being "just friends" with an ex?  There's no debating the fact that I have never personally accomplished this, even though I've tried more than just one time.  But what I want to know is not whether I can do it, but if anyone can.  Is it even possible for exes to be friends?
     I doubt it.  Most things in life that I know anything about involve lines.  You go so far and draw a line.  Maybe the goal is to cross the line, break your record, take another step.  But there are other lines that we cross that we'd prefer to re-cross and get back to the other side.  But the lines in life- or all the ones I've ever been a part of- can not be uncrossed. And unfortunately this seems to be the case with the Friendship Line.  Don't you agree?
     Once you cross over from being buddies only to something more, I don't think there's a way to have any other kind of relationship.  You're stuck with a romantic relationship, or no relationship at all.  And so far, the only other possibility I see is just a whole lot of awkwardness and I can't stand that.  Awkward is the worst!
     I once dated my best friend.  And now that we aren't together, I can't tell him all that stuff that you only tell your best friend.  I have a new best friend.  And my relationship with her is fantastic.  She may even be a BETTER best friend...  But she isn't the same.  She can't replace the one I lost and I lost it for good because of stupid lines. I wish you could choose which writing utensil you want to use to draw your lines.  Like:: "This one I'm drawing in thick black sharpie marker, but this one over here let's put in pencil."  You know what I mean?
     But if everyone was able to undo every mistake they ever made then none of us would ever learn anything.  And we'd all probably end up spending the rest of our lives in relationships with the wrong people.  Those people we were meant to breakup with.
     Who wrote the rules for relationships?  I'd really like to know so that I could smack them hard across the face.

This bar here isn't big enough for the title I want to put here

     So I haven't really posted in a while.  This is not because I haven't had anything to say. No no no, now that's a ridiculous thought.  I haven't posted because I've had too much to say.  All these thoughts that are racing around in my head without any sort of common thing.  What is my problem?  Why can't I relax?  Geez.
     I'm not happy.  At all.  And I have this childish feeling that nobody is listening to me.  And WOW can that make a girl angry.  But what am I supposed to do?  Yell and rebel?  That's mature.  I don't even know if I want to be mature.  I'm in the mood to throw a big fit.  And I would if I thought that would do any good.
     I'm awfully blessed.
     I'm awfully blessed.
     I'm awfully blessed.
     I keep telling myself that, but I'm still pissed off.  I think what I want is for things to be easy.  Even SOME things being easy would be good enough.  But nothing is easy, everything is stressful, and I think I've hit my limit. It's something like 28 days until I move out of my house to go to college.  I'm so excited, especially since I have the most wonderful roommate in the whole entire world.  But I want someone around here to act like they're going to miss me.  Good grief, people, can't you at least pretend?
     And why are boys stupid?  You know the only real thing I want from a guy?  For him to say what he means and mean what he says.  Anything else, I could work around but I need this part and I don't think there's one single fricking guy out there who can do it. Grrrrrr.
     I don't even know what else to say.  Not that that's all of what I WANT to say.  No no no, there's definitely more however, I don't know how to convey it all to a blog. I'm a mess.

College Car :)

This is my new car and I love it.  I'm still looking for a name, but that will come.  This beauty was sitting in my driveway waiting for me when I got out of the hospital (about 12 hours ago).  I'm a lucky girl and I can't wait to see where these wheels will take me!! Vroooom!! :)

Possible to Stay Positive??

     I'm currently sitting here in a hospital bed with an IV in my hand (that's the WORST spot, ain't it??) and haven't had outside food since Tuesday night. There isn't anything fun to do here. I'm sick of television and I want to use my own bathroom. The shower has a chair in it. That wouldn't be a big deal, except that people are naked in the shower and chair are for sitting and naked butts....oh gosh, it's so gross. In addition, you have to let the nurses know whenever you go into the bathroom AND they write down what happened in there. Oh geez. The nurses aren't keeping my meds on time and every single minute that they're late is one more minute tagged on to my stay here in heck. Ugh.
     Needless to say I'm ready to be at my own house in my own room in my own bed with my own smells -I sooo wish I could have my Scentsy here!! I want to go home. And yet everyone keeps telling me to stay happy. And to be positive. Are they nuts?? I can't. I'd love to be cheerful and excited and thankful, but it's so difficult. Yuck. Now, not only do I hate where I am and want to be somewhere else... I have to feel guilty for being miserable. As if being miserable isn't terrible enough all on its own. Grrr.
     Thanks a lot family and friends for making me feel terrible about myself!! Hahahaha I plan to get you all back someday by making you feel very guilty for feelings that are simply not your fault. Ha.

Forgive. And Forget??

     Oh my my my, am I stressed!! I'm headed to the hospital Wednesday to stay for a few days and try to get my pain levels down and plus there's all this college stuff with classes and buying junk for our room, not to mention crazy psycho girls who only want to make drama for me. And then there's this boy. Of course. There's always a boy. But I'm not complaining. Just wondering.

     The thing I need to know now is how far forgiveness goes. What sorts of things fall under the forgiveness umbrella. I don't need anyone to tell me how many times to forgive. I get that. You must forgive forever and ever and even still you own't come close to forgiving the way Jesus did. And nobody needs to tell me when to forgive. I got that covered too.
     But must we forget?? When you forgive someone who has wronged you, hurt you, betrayed you, lied to you, and so on, do you also have to immediately go back to the way things were?? Am I supposed to pretend that I think acting that way is okay?? Well then, I need some prayers because I don't think I can!! What ever happened to "fool me twice, shame on me"??
     I'm having trouble finding the balance. I've forgiven. It's over. I don't intend to hold a grudge by any means. But I am completely unable to go right back to the level of friendship and trust that I had before. I want to, so badly, and I can see it in the future. For now, though, it just can't happen.
     And I feel guilty.
     How is that fair?? I didn't DO anything!! I forgave. But I remember all too well the sting of what happened not too long ago and it's ruining a relationship I'd love to have.
   
     All I can see to do here is pray. Please, Lord, let me have my buddy back. Mend my heart (and blur my memory).

In Honor of Father's Day

     Since today is Father's Day I really felt like sharing my number one favorite all-time memory of my dad. His finest parenting moment EVER. And yes, if you're wondering, I am going to cry while writing this for you to see.
     The first thing you need to know is that I suffer from a chronic pain conditions and it kills my dad and the rest of my family. It's one of those things where I'm forced to be in pain all of the time and there is nothing he can do. He just has to watch and as a daddy, he'd rather be saving the day and making me better.
     Because of this condition, I'm stuck going through various unpleasant treatments now and then to relieve my pain- some of these work for me, and some simply don't help at all. When this story takes place, I was at a particularly horrible moment where the pain was utterly excruciating and the treatment the doctors had me doing was making me sicker and sicker by the minute. I was not even able to get up off the floor before throwing up again and again, couldn't sleep yet wanted to, and I was confused which made me extremely emotional and I was crying a lot just from all the un-fun things happening at once.
     Because I couldn't stand without getting sick, I was spending the time between my vomits laying in the floor in various locations around my house (sometimes when you're sick, you do things like this that don't make any sense). I was laying in the hallway on the floor crying and just being plain miserable and my dad was a room away in the living room sitting in his chair watching tv. He paused the show and he said to me, "Man, I'm so sorry, sis" and I mumble something in return like "Not your fault." He turned on the volume again.
     Not one full minute passed before he muted the show again and called out "H, what do we need to do? How can I help you?" and I thought for only a second before telling him "There's nothing at all that anyone can do." and I believed it. He once again turned up his tv show to hear it.
     This time it was less than 20 seconds before my daddy turned off the television completely and got up out of his chair. He walked quietly across the living room and into the hallway entrance. He got down on his knees, then his hands, then he lay down on the floor. He ran his fingers through my hair and said a prayer for me out loud. This wasn't the preacher kind of prayer that I hear him give all the time- he IS a preacher, you know. This one was, instead a broken-hearted dad who just wanted someone to make his little girl feel better.  I don't know what he said exactly, but I remember realizing that I had been wrong when I told him that nobody could do anything to make it better. He found a way.
     He stayed there for a few minutes playing with my hair and singing old church songs to me. I didn't want to move, but after a too-short amount of time I whispered that I had to go get sick again. He had a tear in his eye and he said "That's okay, sweetie. I'll wait here and you can come right back. I love you."
     It made me feel guilty that even though he was trying, and even though he wanted so badly for me to be better, I had to leave the sweetest moment of my entire life to go do the thing he wanted least for me- be sick. I know, of course, this wasn't actually my fault and that guilt over that is a silly thing.
     I'll never ever forget that night. I was 17 and had Kansas City Chiefs pajamas on when I realized there was nobody in the whole entire world who would ever love me near as much as my daddy does.
     Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there- especially mine.