Wow. I haven't been HERE in a long time.
I just needed somewhere to get out some honesty to my heavenly Father. I'm not not the biggest fan of His plan right now.
Dear God,
This is how I really feel.
I hate the way you've put a huge handicap on my life right now. I feel so stuck. This blog, for example, was supposed to be about all the places I was going to go and after just one year of college, my pain has taken control of my life and I feel like I may never get to go anywhere. I want to live and experience and you won't let me! This hurts, God. And hurting suck. When I wake up, I have pain. All day long I have pain. And when I lie in my bed at night wanting to get rest and feel peace, all I can feel is this pain you've given me. Lord if this pain is supposed to teach me a lesson, open my eyes and let me learn it already. I'm not sure how much more of this particular suffering I can take. Why did you pick me to bear this burden? I don't want to be Chosen if Chosen means living with pain and sickness in the form of a miserable headache for the rest of my life. At least let me have a break once in a while!!
God, I'm mad at you. I am. I'm actually REALLY mad. It's annoying to carry the weight of this pain and not understand why. If there is a Reason, show me. And if not, take this pain away. Can't you hear my prayers and my cries for help and relief?? I don't feel your presence anymore. I feel alone in a never-ending battle with this headache. Chronic pain sucks. I know that you know how much I'm hurting. So please show me that you care. Help me see your work in me and feel you near. I don't want to doubt, but besides the nagging, constant pain, doubt is all I have right now. I'm broken-hearted and I'm bored. I want to be free, Lord. I want to have peace and rest and assurance of your love and protection. Help me. Heal me. I know you can. I've had this pain for so long. Isn't it time things changed??
Waiting for an answer.
I love you even if you've left me....and I know you haven't.
Your daughter,
Haley
