Sunday, October 14, 2012

Dear God...This is how I Really feel.

Wow.  I haven't been HERE in a long time.

I just needed somewhere to get out some honesty to my heavenly Father.  I'm not not the biggest fan of His plan right now.

Dear God,
This is how I really feel.
I hate the way you've put a huge handicap on my life right now.  I feel so stuck.  This blog, for example, was supposed to be about all the places I was going to go and after just one year of college, my pain has taken control of my life and I feel like I may never get to go anywhere.  I want to live and experience and you won't let me!  This hurts, God.  And hurting suck.  When I wake up, I have pain.  All day long I have pain.  And when I lie in my bed at night wanting to get rest and feel peace, all I can feel is this pain you've given me.  Lord if this pain is supposed to teach me a lesson, open my eyes and let me learn it already.  I'm not sure how much more of this particular suffering I can take.  Why did you pick me to bear this burden?  I don't want to be Chosen if Chosen means living with pain and sickness in the form of a miserable headache for the rest of my life.  At least let me have a break once in a while!!

God, I'm mad at you.  I am.  I'm actually REALLY mad.  It's annoying to carry the weight of this pain and not understand why.  If there is a Reason, show me.  And if not, take this pain away.  Can't you hear my prayers and my cries for help and relief??  I don't feel your presence anymore.  I feel alone in a never-ending battle with this headache.  Chronic pain sucks.  I know that you know how much I'm hurting.  So please show me that you care.  Help me see your work in me and feel you near.  I don't want to doubt, but besides the nagging, constant pain, doubt is all I have right now. I'm broken-hearted and I'm bored. I want to be free, Lord.  I want to have peace and rest and assurance of your love and protection.  Help me.  Heal me.  I know you can.  I've had this pain for so long.  Isn't it time things changed??

Waiting for an answer.
I love you even if you've left me....and I know you haven't.
Your daughter,
Haley