I'm awake at 6:53 in the morning right now and I've been up for just short of one hour. I can't sleep. Not even a little. I don't feel sleepy. Or tired. Or drowsy or anything of the sort. I just feel happy. And it's all because of this guy.
Guys, I know you're thinking I'm sounding really crazy right now. And maybe that's the truth. Maybe I'm nuts. But what I'm feeling is for real. It's harsh and it's loud and it's awesome. I've never felt this way before. I fell for a guy in 6 days. That's right. I did. Impossible? I would've said so too. And I didn't mean to. I mean, really, I have to move out in only 3 days, and I was NOT hunting for a new relationship just before I went to college. Don't be silly. That is like life's number one rule: Do not go to college tied down.
Well guess what, ya'll. I'm breaking it. You would too if you could feel this.
I don't want to go to college anymore. I want to stay right here with him. I trust him more than is healthy. I think about him constantly. He's not just a guy. He's something crazy and the timing is terrible, but what can I do?
I'm entirely hopeless. I'm a goner. I'm hooked. I'm stuck. And I'm happy about it.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
The Fill-In
I had an extremely rough day today.
Here I am, trying to go to college in only 14 days, when I receive some devastating news concerning some monetary help I was going to get from Disability. In short, the news was that it's not happening. It was a large amount of money. I really needed it. And I honestly feel that I deserve it. Guys, I've never wanted anything in my whole life as much as I want to go to Harding University. It's been a struggle from day number one and I truly believed that I had finally settled everything. All was good and in place and ready for me to go to my dream school. And now it's as if I'm starting all over. Ugh!
The problem is not that I want to give up. The issue is that I have no idea what to do next. I don't have a plan B because my plan A came together! Where can I come up with a large sum of money in only two weeks? Who can I turn to? What will I do if the money doesn't appear? I know God will provide, but I don't believe in sitting on my butt to wait for it. I have to keep fighting. But I just do not know how.
Feeling totally defeated, I headed into work. I was late, due to the Disability meeting and I didn't want to go in at all. My heart wasn't in it today. But when I walked upstairs, I saw my fill-in relaxing with my kids everyone enjoying themselves and I smiled. It was so sweet. ((Let's take a pause in the story to note that the fill-in saved the day at the last second when I realized I couldn't make it into work at 10pm last night. He rocks.))
Quickly discovering that I was having a rough day, the fill-in and hero of today set his sights on making it better. By staying a whole extra hour to talk, insisting that I was not allowed to cry, and by continuing to text me long after we had both left work for the day. Encouraging me and distracting me and entertaining me. And would you like to know something? He succeeded. He helped me get through today and I don't think he even knows how grateful I am to have his help- NOT just at work. What a good guy :)
Problems will resolve themselves and sadness fades. I'm so so glad I didn't let a whole day waste without a little happiness in it. All thanks to The Fill-In.
Here I am, trying to go to college in only 14 days, when I receive some devastating news concerning some monetary help I was going to get from Disability. In short, the news was that it's not happening. It was a large amount of money. I really needed it. And I honestly feel that I deserve it. Guys, I've never wanted anything in my whole life as much as I want to go to Harding University. It's been a struggle from day number one and I truly believed that I had finally settled everything. All was good and in place and ready for me to go to my dream school. And now it's as if I'm starting all over. Ugh!
The problem is not that I want to give up. The issue is that I have no idea what to do next. I don't have a plan B because my plan A came together! Where can I come up with a large sum of money in only two weeks? Who can I turn to? What will I do if the money doesn't appear? I know God will provide, but I don't believe in sitting on my butt to wait for it. I have to keep fighting. But I just do not know how.
Feeling totally defeated, I headed into work. I was late, due to the Disability meeting and I didn't want to go in at all. My heart wasn't in it today. But when I walked upstairs, I saw my fill-in relaxing with my kids everyone enjoying themselves and I smiled. It was so sweet. ((Let's take a pause in the story to note that the fill-in saved the day at the last second when I realized I couldn't make it into work at 10pm last night. He rocks.))
Quickly discovering that I was having a rough day, the fill-in and hero of today set his sights on making it better. By staying a whole extra hour to talk, insisting that I was not allowed to cry, and by continuing to text me long after we had both left work for the day. Encouraging me and distracting me and entertaining me. And would you like to know something? He succeeded. He helped me get through today and I don't think he even knows how grateful I am to have his help- NOT just at work. What a good guy :)
Problems will resolve themselves and sadness fades. I'm so so glad I didn't let a whole day waste without a little happiness in it. All thanks to The Fill-In.
Monday, August 1, 2011
The 40 Most Difficult Goodbyes of My Life
I am one of those rare and lucky people who get to go to work every single day and love their job with their whole entire being. I was made for this job. I'm good at it and it makes me happy. Lots of people that I know would end up homeless before going to work at the place of my employment. But not me. In fact, even on days I don't have to be at work I go there to unwind. To not think so hard for just a little bit. I get so caught up in the noise and commotion and chaos that nothing outside those doors matters for just a little while. I feel comfortable there. I feel loved there.
I work at a daycare.
I love the kids that I am privileged to work with more than I love my own life. I pray for them every night and I constantly wonder what they're up to when I'm apart from them for more than a day. They're my world. And the very best part is that they love me too. It's a magical feeling, you know. Love from a child is unlike any other love I've ever been a part of. With a boyfriend, you can never know for totally sure if he'll go on loving you tomorrow and the day after and the day after that. But with those kids, I can wake up in the morning certain that they'll be happy to see me when I walk through that door. That's the kind of thing that, to me, gives a life meaning and value. To love and be loved unconditionally is something some people never know.
When I have to take off of work for an extended period, I always explain exactly to the kids where I will be. I use maps and calendars and we use colors to demonstrate just how long I'll be gone and what I will be up to. If you don't tell the kids these things, they worry. And they are always so understanding about when I have to miss our time together to be someplace else.
But this one is new for all of us.
Miss Haley has to leave for college. And I won't be working there any longer. At all.
It totally breaks my heart to leave them. But every song has an ending and God has nudged me, telling me it's time to move on. I know taking the next step in my life involves leaving these kids that I love so deeply and care about so much.
The problem isn't as much me as it is them. They are not going to understand. They won't get it. I can show them where I'll be but they are going to demand to know when I will come back. And sure, I'll visit, but that will only be more confusing. Ugh.
As I move out and head to Harding, I'll remember them and picture them asking the other workers "Where's Miss Haley?" and even as I think of it now I just want for them to be able to tell the kids I will be right there. You may think this is pathetic but they hold my heart. And I'm leaving a piece of me behind. Leaving these kids will be at least as tough as leaving my family. These kids are like MY kids.
I wish I had some way to convey to them how much I love them. I wish that somehow they could see into the future and wish me luck. Their support would mean the world to me. I know I can make them proud. And I don't have a lot of options. I just got hug them tight, kiss them one more time, and head out into the world to try and be somebody else's hero.
I have 6 more days to work at the daycare. Then I have to say the 40 most difficult goodbyes of my life.
I work at a daycare.
I love the kids that I am privileged to work with more than I love my own life. I pray for them every night and I constantly wonder what they're up to when I'm apart from them for more than a day. They're my world. And the very best part is that they love me too. It's a magical feeling, you know. Love from a child is unlike any other love I've ever been a part of. With a boyfriend, you can never know for totally sure if he'll go on loving you tomorrow and the day after and the day after that. But with those kids, I can wake up in the morning certain that they'll be happy to see me when I walk through that door. That's the kind of thing that, to me, gives a life meaning and value. To love and be loved unconditionally is something some people never know.
When I have to take off of work for an extended period, I always explain exactly to the kids where I will be. I use maps and calendars and we use colors to demonstrate just how long I'll be gone and what I will be up to. If you don't tell the kids these things, they worry. And they are always so understanding about when I have to miss our time together to be someplace else.
But this one is new for all of us.
Miss Haley has to leave for college. And I won't be working there any longer. At all.
It totally breaks my heart to leave them. But every song has an ending and God has nudged me, telling me it's time to move on. I know taking the next step in my life involves leaving these kids that I love so deeply and care about so much.
The problem isn't as much me as it is them. They are not going to understand. They won't get it. I can show them where I'll be but they are going to demand to know when I will come back. And sure, I'll visit, but that will only be more confusing. Ugh.
As I move out and head to Harding, I'll remember them and picture them asking the other workers "Where's Miss Haley?" and even as I think of it now I just want for them to be able to tell the kids I will be right there. You may think this is pathetic but they hold my heart. And I'm leaving a piece of me behind. Leaving these kids will be at least as tough as leaving my family. These kids are like MY kids.
I wish I had some way to convey to them how much I love them. I wish that somehow they could see into the future and wish me luck. Their support would mean the world to me. I know I can make them proud. And I don't have a lot of options. I just got hug them tight, kiss them one more time, and head out into the world to try and be somebody else's hero.
I have 6 more days to work at the daycare. Then I have to say the 40 most difficult goodbyes of my life.
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