Dear God...This is how I Really feel.

Wow.  I haven't been HERE in a long time.

I just needed somewhere to get out some honesty to my heavenly Father.  I'm not not the biggest fan of His plan right now.

Dear God,
This is how I really feel.
I hate the way you've put a huge handicap on my life right now.  I feel so stuck.  This blog, for example, was supposed to be about all the places I was going to go and after just one year of college, my pain has taken control of my life and I feel like I may never get to go anywhere.  I want to live and experience and you won't let me!  This hurts, God.  And hurting suck.  When I wake up, I have pain.  All day long I have pain.  And when I lie in my bed at night wanting to get rest and feel peace, all I can feel is this pain you've given me.  Lord if this pain is supposed to teach me a lesson, open my eyes and let me learn it already.  I'm not sure how much more of this particular suffering I can take.  Why did you pick me to bear this burden?  I don't want to be Chosen if Chosen means living with pain and sickness in the form of a miserable headache for the rest of my life.  At least let me have a break once in a while!!

God, I'm mad at you.  I am.  I'm actually REALLY mad.  It's annoying to carry the weight of this pain and not understand why.  If there is a Reason, show me.  And if not, take this pain away.  Can't you hear my prayers and my cries for help and relief??  I don't feel your presence anymore.  I feel alone in a never-ending battle with this headache.  Chronic pain sucks.  I know that you know how much I'm hurting.  So please show me that you care.  Help me see your work in me and feel you near.  I don't want to doubt, but besides the nagging, constant pain, doubt is all I have right now. I'm broken-hearted and I'm bored. I want to be free, Lord.  I want to have peace and rest and assurance of your love and protection.  Help me.  Heal me.  I know you can.  I've had this pain for so long.  Isn't it time things changed??

Waiting for an answer.
I love you even if you've left me....and I know you haven't.
Your daughter,
Haley

Pretty Proud of My Boy!

I haven't posted in quite a while and I just wanted to share this pic of my J to show him and everybody how proud I am of him. Happy 8 Months, Jake. I love you!

Saying Goodbye to Jake

I love him way too much </3

Emotionally Exhausted

     Too much goin' on in my head and in my heart.  I'm lovin' my boy and missin' him so much.  Plus school takes up so much of my time and energy and I'm stretched and tired constantly.  Then there's the fact that P and me are still adjusting to living together- NOT in a bad way.  And when I actually gain the rare and absurd 2 minutes of peaceful time all to myself alone in my room I hardly know what to do with it.  Silence makes my ears ring.  What do I have to do to get a break?  I sound like a certain whiny girl that P and I commonly make fun of right now, and I know it.  I understand that I have a GREAT, happy, safe, blessed life but oh my goodness I seriously need a vacation.  A big long nap with no alarm set to push me to whatever task I have to do next.
     I'm not blaming school or P or Jake.  No, I feel like my exhaustion is mostly my own fault.  I've taken on too much but today I really truly finally reached my limit.  I officially feel like I'm drowning.  I'm a little bit worried about what's going to happen next and how I'm going to deal with all this Stuff that's piled on me so quickly.  I know I can handle this.
     I have to say, I am really looking forward to counseling on Thursday.  I need to vent like never before.
     Lord help me.

Learn My Lesson

     Bad things happen and nobody ever seems to be able to explain why.  People make several bad decisions every day for years but yet are never the ones who receive the punishment or the consequences for their actions.  It's more than unfair.  The perfect example of this ugly fact of life occurred just a couple nights ago on a road trip with my roommate, P. 

     Boys have a way of making girls do things they normally wouldn't do.  And a couple of unpleasant punks used their tricks to convince P and me to run to the city to pick something up with them.  We're just stupid girls who didn't have anything to do that night.  Anyway, it turned into the biggest disaster that either of us could imagine and at the end of the story, the two of us girls are in a big heap of trouble for things we didn't do.  To the point that it's possible we could be kicked out of Harding!!! So ridiculous.  The whole time P and I were just waiting to wake up from the nightmare.  We've learned our lesson and we are never ever hanging out with boys we barely know again.  What were we thinking?

     There's only been two different occasions in my 19 years of living that I've truly feared for my life and this was one of them.  I think 2 is a big enough number for me.  I'm done being scared.  I'm changing my life.  My ways, my thinking, my habits, everything.  I want to be smart and safe and not all stressed and fearful.  In addition, making careless and poor decisions like I did this weekend affect not just myself but everyone surrounding me.  My parents were worried sick about me, obviously.

     And then there's my boy.

     I was sitting there with P, waiting to find out if we were going to JAIL for those stupid boys and their selfish mistakes and all I could think of was him.  He's the biggest, most important, and my favorite part of my whole little world.  He means more to me than I know how to say.  He's the most perfect boyfriend I can fathom.  And I know I don't deserve to get to keep him but I want to have him so badly.  And that's why everything is going to be different.  Staying with J is my priority.  So, no more stupid ugly carefree college nights with punk boys who don't care about me.  I'm sticking with Jake. 

     I'm better than those boys and I'm better than the decisions I made this weekend.  So is P, and we're never going back.  I've learned so much the past couple of days that I feel like I'll never need another life lesson as long as I live! Haha. Right now all there is for us to do is wait and pray and hope that it's in God's plan for the two of us to keep going to school at Harding.
     It's hard to remember that everything happens for a reason.