Facebook Post to the Guy I Can Depend On

"The guy may drive me absolutely crazy sometimes, I won't lie to you, but you know what? He's not a liar. He's not a cheater. He never has been. And I can trust him every minute of every day; I can count on him all the time. 
These things may seem like no big deal- things that are automatic or required, but realistically you can't confidently say that about just any guy and you can't trust just anybody these days.
When I actually stop and think about it for a minute, I am reminded of how it's a major luxury and a huge relief to me to have that trust be steady and constant and reliable when almost nothing else in life is. Everybody needs somebody or something they can always depend on.
And thank you so much, Jake Arzt for being that to me."

from my facebook page, directed towards the love of my life, and my fiance. i love you.

Toxic People

Just ran into this blog and this girl today. So incredible. The things she is doing are incredible and admirable and I plan to find a way to contact her. Here is some of her most recent wisdom.

http://internal-acceptance-movement.tumblr.com/post/57174419907/not-all-toxic-people-are-cruel-and-uncaring-some

Date a Girl Who Reads

“You should date a girl who reads.
Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she has found the book she wants. You see that weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a secondhand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow and worn.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is likely floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas, for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry and in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who read understand that all things must come to end, but that you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, just hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.”

Is it finally time to heal?

     Another doctor's appointment.  In the past four years, as I have been struggling with chronic headaches and life-hindering pain, I have honestly had more of these than I can count. It's actually a very normal thing for me to have to see some medical professional almost every week.  That's just the way life is for me right now.

     The first thing that a doctor appointment usually means to me is a long long ride in the car- at least 2 hours- while I'm fretting and over-thinking everything that the doctor will ask me or the news he will have at the end.  My dad, who I am pretty close to, usually goes with me and he tries so hard to keep things light and happy, distracting me from my own anxieties and a lit of times he succeeds.  I like my car-talks with my dad.  We're buddies and that time together is valuable to me, but geez.  Those long road trips.  I let myself get very emotional.

     The next thing that always happens at my appointments is the paper work.  What's up with all that anyway?? I already filled this stuff out the last time I was here. Well that's another rant for another post on another day.

     Anyway. I met this new doctor.  Apparently he's a world renown headache specialist and he's written books and changed a lot of lives and that gave me hope.  But more than that, the moment when I finally had hope was after almost three full hours of consultation and neurological tests he sat down, looked into my eyes and said to my dad and I, "Okay, this is the plan..." and I'm thinking "A PLAN?!?!" Oh my gosh what fantastic news! For years we have been hearing doctors tell me that my case is sooooo unusual and all they have is some things I can try nut this guy never said a word about my vase being weird.  It felt good to think that this problem has been solved before. It's possible. I can get better.

     Now please understand that I am not going to get my hopes up too much.  I already known that there is not One pill or One therapy that is going to instantly cure me like magic.  I've accepted that long ago and my appointment with this new doctor didn't change that. I also know that my healing process- however successful it may be- is going to take time. Months.  I have to keep doing just as the doctor says, taking care of myself, and I can't lose heart.

     The most important thing is that two days ago I was pretty sure I was going to live in pain for the rest of my life, but now even tho there are no guarantees in life, I have hope that two days ago I was wrong.

     I'm ready to get better.  Thanks to anyone and everyone who has been there for me in the past and I appreciate any and all continued support and prayers as I start a new round of treatments.

You've Missed the Point

   So.  Tonight on the History Channel, the miniseries titled The Bible premiered.  It was clearly a drama and did not claim to be entirely purely factual and anyone who has spent a lot of time studying God's Holy Word can see this.  The History Channel was not trying to give a seminar informational formal thorough account of each and every moment in the Bible. Why?  Because that wasn't the point.

     One of the aims of airing a show about the events in the Bible was to show those who aren't familiar with the Bible story that this timeless book is NOT boring.  And this is a common mistake- people think the Bible is a very long list of rules and regulations that don't even apply to our time. Another reason for the show's production, closely tied to what I've already mentioned is Entertainment.  That is what all television networks are trying to do. Duh?

     To me, this information is deduce-able common sense and yet we have all these goons on Twitter complaining about the inaccuracies and over dramatization.  Oh, come on people, shut up.  Do you realize how expensive, time consuming, complicated, dangerous, and just about impossible it would be to show a completely infallible on-screen version of the entire Bible??  That's silly.  In every great film or television show, scenes must be cut and edits made to keep everything sharp and on track.  If every film based on a book contained every line of the author's notes, people would MISS THE POINT.  It would be harder to get the main message loud and clear.

     Why is everyone's initial reaction to start complaining anyway?  Someone got up and went out there and produced a mini series on The Bible, taking the Great Commission into their own hands and fulfilling God's command to spread the gospel in their own way.  Good for them!  While all the rest of you can do is tweet about what gets left out?  It disappoints me sometimes how hard Christians are to please these days.  Did you even watch the show?  Did you get any of God's messages of faith and trust and sacrifice and struggle and love and wisdom and divine protection?  Because if you missed that, then I feel sorry for you.  That was the part of the show that was the most beautiful and inspiring.

     I enjoyed The Bible premiere tonight very much and I'm excited to see the next chunk of the story on film.   My only prayer is that the message doesn't get stomped on by complainers and people who feel they have some right to judge and choose what a television show of the Bible should be like.

     Geez. TRY not to miss the point.

Dear God...This is how I Really feel.

Wow.  I haven't been HERE in a long time.

I just needed somewhere to get out some honesty to my heavenly Father.  I'm not not the biggest fan of His plan right now.

Dear God,
This is how I really feel.
I hate the way you've put a huge handicap on my life right now.  I feel so stuck.  This blog, for example, was supposed to be about all the places I was going to go and after just one year of college, my pain has taken control of my life and I feel like I may never get to go anywhere.  I want to live and experience and you won't let me!  This hurts, God.  And hurting suck.  When I wake up, I have pain.  All day long I have pain.  And when I lie in my bed at night wanting to get rest and feel peace, all I can feel is this pain you've given me.  Lord if this pain is supposed to teach me a lesson, open my eyes and let me learn it already.  I'm not sure how much more of this particular suffering I can take.  Why did you pick me to bear this burden?  I don't want to be Chosen if Chosen means living with pain and sickness in the form of a miserable headache for the rest of my life.  At least let me have a break once in a while!!

God, I'm mad at you.  I am.  I'm actually REALLY mad.  It's annoying to carry the weight of this pain and not understand why.  If there is a Reason, show me.  And if not, take this pain away.  Can't you hear my prayers and my cries for help and relief??  I don't feel your presence anymore.  I feel alone in a never-ending battle with this headache.  Chronic pain sucks.  I know that you know how much I'm hurting.  So please show me that you care.  Help me see your work in me and feel you near.  I don't want to doubt, but besides the nagging, constant pain, doubt is all I have right now. I'm broken-hearted and I'm bored. I want to be free, Lord.  I want to have peace and rest and assurance of your love and protection.  Help me.  Heal me.  I know you can.  I've had this pain for so long.  Isn't it time things changed??

Waiting for an answer.
I love you even if you've left me....and I know you haven't.
Your daughter,
Haley

Pretty Proud of My Boy!

I haven't posted in quite a while and I just wanted to share this pic of my J to show him and everybody how proud I am of him. Happy 8 Months, Jake. I love you!

Saying Goodbye to Jake

I love him way too much </3

Emotionally Exhausted

     Too much goin' on in my head and in my heart.  I'm lovin' my boy and missin' him so much.  Plus school takes up so much of my time and energy and I'm stretched and tired constantly.  Then there's the fact that P and me are still adjusting to living together- NOT in a bad way.  And when I actually gain the rare and absurd 2 minutes of peaceful time all to myself alone in my room I hardly know what to do with it.  Silence makes my ears ring.  What do I have to do to get a break?  I sound like a certain whiny girl that P and I commonly make fun of right now, and I know it.  I understand that I have a GREAT, happy, safe, blessed life but oh my goodness I seriously need a vacation.  A big long nap with no alarm set to push me to whatever task I have to do next.
     I'm not blaming school or P or Jake.  No, I feel like my exhaustion is mostly my own fault.  I've taken on too much but today I really truly finally reached my limit.  I officially feel like I'm drowning.  I'm a little bit worried about what's going to happen next and how I'm going to deal with all this Stuff that's piled on me so quickly.  I know I can handle this.
     I have to say, I am really looking forward to counseling on Thursday.  I need to vent like never before.
     Lord help me.

Learn My Lesson

     Bad things happen and nobody ever seems to be able to explain why.  People make several bad decisions every day for years but yet are never the ones who receive the punishment or the consequences for their actions.  It's more than unfair.  The perfect example of this ugly fact of life occurred just a couple nights ago on a road trip with my roommate, P. 

     Boys have a way of making girls do things they normally wouldn't do.  And a couple of unpleasant punks used their tricks to convince P and me to run to the city to pick something up with them.  We're just stupid girls who didn't have anything to do that night.  Anyway, it turned into the biggest disaster that either of us could imagine and at the end of the story, the two of us girls are in a big heap of trouble for things we didn't do.  To the point that it's possible we could be kicked out of Harding!!! So ridiculous.  The whole time P and I were just waiting to wake up from the nightmare.  We've learned our lesson and we are never ever hanging out with boys we barely know again.  What were we thinking?

     There's only been two different occasions in my 19 years of living that I've truly feared for my life and this was one of them.  I think 2 is a big enough number for me.  I'm done being scared.  I'm changing my life.  My ways, my thinking, my habits, everything.  I want to be smart and safe and not all stressed and fearful.  In addition, making careless and poor decisions like I did this weekend affect not just myself but everyone surrounding me.  My parents were worried sick about me, obviously.

     And then there's my boy.

     I was sitting there with P, waiting to find out if we were going to JAIL for those stupid boys and their selfish mistakes and all I could think of was him.  He's the biggest, most important, and my favorite part of my whole little world.  He means more to me than I know how to say.  He's the most perfect boyfriend I can fathom.  And I know I don't deserve to get to keep him but I want to have him so badly.  And that's why everything is going to be different.  Staying with J is my priority.  So, no more stupid ugly carefree college nights with punk boys who don't care about me.  I'm sticking with Jake. 

     I'm better than those boys and I'm better than the decisions I made this weekend.  So is P, and we're never going back.  I've learned so much the past couple of days that I feel like I'll never need another life lesson as long as I live! Haha. Right now all there is for us to do is wait and pray and hope that it's in God's plan for the two of us to keep going to school at Harding.
     It's hard to remember that everything happens for a reason.