College Car :)

This is my new car and I love it.  I'm still looking for a name, but that will come.  This beauty was sitting in my driveway waiting for me when I got out of the hospital (about 12 hours ago).  I'm a lucky girl and I can't wait to see where these wheels will take me!! Vroooom!! :)

Possible to Stay Positive??

     I'm currently sitting here in a hospital bed with an IV in my hand (that's the WORST spot, ain't it??) and haven't had outside food since Tuesday night. There isn't anything fun to do here. I'm sick of television and I want to use my own bathroom. The shower has a chair in it. That wouldn't be a big deal, except that people are naked in the shower and chair are for sitting and naked butts....oh gosh, it's so gross. In addition, you have to let the nurses know whenever you go into the bathroom AND they write down what happened in there. Oh geez. The nurses aren't keeping my meds on time and every single minute that they're late is one more minute tagged on to my stay here in heck. Ugh.
     Needless to say I'm ready to be at my own house in my own room in my own bed with my own smells -I sooo wish I could have my Scentsy here!! I want to go home. And yet everyone keeps telling me to stay happy. And to be positive. Are they nuts?? I can't. I'd love to be cheerful and excited and thankful, but it's so difficult. Yuck. Now, not only do I hate where I am and want to be somewhere else... I have to feel guilty for being miserable. As if being miserable isn't terrible enough all on its own. Grrr.
     Thanks a lot family and friends for making me feel terrible about myself!! Hahahaha I plan to get you all back someday by making you feel very guilty for feelings that are simply not your fault. Ha.

Forgive. And Forget??

     Oh my my my, am I stressed!! I'm headed to the hospital Wednesday to stay for a few days and try to get my pain levels down and plus there's all this college stuff with classes and buying junk for our room, not to mention crazy psycho girls who only want to make drama for me. And then there's this boy. Of course. There's always a boy. But I'm not complaining. Just wondering.

     The thing I need to know now is how far forgiveness goes. What sorts of things fall under the forgiveness umbrella. I don't need anyone to tell me how many times to forgive. I get that. You must forgive forever and ever and even still you own't come close to forgiving the way Jesus did. And nobody needs to tell me when to forgive. I got that covered too.
     But must we forget?? When you forgive someone who has wronged you, hurt you, betrayed you, lied to you, and so on, do you also have to immediately go back to the way things were?? Am I supposed to pretend that I think acting that way is okay?? Well then, I need some prayers because I don't think I can!! What ever happened to "fool me twice, shame on me"??
     I'm having trouble finding the balance. I've forgiven. It's over. I don't intend to hold a grudge by any means. But I am completely unable to go right back to the level of friendship and trust that I had before. I want to, so badly, and I can see it in the future. For now, though, it just can't happen.
     And I feel guilty.
     How is that fair?? I didn't DO anything!! I forgave. But I remember all too well the sting of what happened not too long ago and it's ruining a relationship I'd love to have.
   
     All I can see to do here is pray. Please, Lord, let me have my buddy back. Mend my heart (and blur my memory).

In Honor of Father's Day

     Since today is Father's Day I really felt like sharing my number one favorite all-time memory of my dad. His finest parenting moment EVER. And yes, if you're wondering, I am going to cry while writing this for you to see.
     The first thing you need to know is that I suffer from a chronic pain conditions and it kills my dad and the rest of my family. It's one of those things where I'm forced to be in pain all of the time and there is nothing he can do. He just has to watch and as a daddy, he'd rather be saving the day and making me better.
     Because of this condition, I'm stuck going through various unpleasant treatments now and then to relieve my pain- some of these work for me, and some simply don't help at all. When this story takes place, I was at a particularly horrible moment where the pain was utterly excruciating and the treatment the doctors had me doing was making me sicker and sicker by the minute. I was not even able to get up off the floor before throwing up again and again, couldn't sleep yet wanted to, and I was confused which made me extremely emotional and I was crying a lot just from all the un-fun things happening at once.
     Because I couldn't stand without getting sick, I was spending the time between my vomits laying in the floor in various locations around my house (sometimes when you're sick, you do things like this that don't make any sense). I was laying in the hallway on the floor crying and just being plain miserable and my dad was a room away in the living room sitting in his chair watching tv. He paused the show and he said to me, "Man, I'm so sorry, sis" and I mumble something in return like "Not your fault." He turned on the volume again.
     Not one full minute passed before he muted the show again and called out "H, what do we need to do? How can I help you?" and I thought for only a second before telling him "There's nothing at all that anyone can do." and I believed it. He once again turned up his tv show to hear it.
     This time it was less than 20 seconds before my daddy turned off the television completely and got up out of his chair. He walked quietly across the living room and into the hallway entrance. He got down on his knees, then his hands, then he lay down on the floor. He ran his fingers through my hair and said a prayer for me out loud. This wasn't the preacher kind of prayer that I hear him give all the time- he IS a preacher, you know. This one was, instead a broken-hearted dad who just wanted someone to make his little girl feel better.  I don't know what he said exactly, but I remember realizing that I had been wrong when I told him that nobody could do anything to make it better. He found a way.
     He stayed there for a few minutes playing with my hair and singing old church songs to me. I didn't want to move, but after a too-short amount of time I whispered that I had to go get sick again. He had a tear in his eye and he said "That's okay, sweetie. I'll wait here and you can come right back. I love you."
     It made me feel guilty that even though he was trying, and even though he wanted so badly for me to be better, I had to leave the sweetest moment of my entire life to go do the thing he wanted least for me- be sick. I know, of course, this wasn't actually my fault and that guilt over that is a silly thing.
     I'll never ever forget that night. I was 17 and had Kansas City Chiefs pajamas on when I realized there was nobody in the whole entire world who would ever love me near as much as my daddy does.
     Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there- especially mine.

Is This For Real??

     Thursday and Friday of this week I was at an event at Harding called Summer Stampede where we registered for classes and a ton of other things that really smacked me in the face that this Moving Out, Going to College, No More High School stuff is seriously happening an it's happening NOW. It's so crazy!! I'm so excited to see what's ahead for me and what God's plans for my future are, but goodness. I'm also as scared as I have ever been.
     I'm the kind of girl that like to know.
     "Where are we going to eat?" "I don't know, where do you want to?" "I don't care where, I just want to know."
     That's me. All the time. Every day. About the silliest little things. But for college, I don't get to do that. It's probably for my own good. I mean, sure, I know who my roommate is and what my class schedule is, and those seem like big things but there is so much more I'm curious about!! I want to KNOW what it's going to be like.

     High School wasn't a great experience for me. This fact has NOTHING to do with the classes or the people just several unlucky events mostly including medical things, so I honestly haven't done full-time school in a couple of years. And, yeah, I'm really freaking out about that. It just seems to me like before I try to tackle college I ought to practice and I'm completely out of the loop right now. Oh my.
     I realize I'm being silly. That throughout my rough high school days and all those days before that God has taken great care of me. And "who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" Right??
     But that's never stopped me from worrying before!! Ha!!

     I just want it to be August so that I can get to Harding and have all my fears relieved. :) It's going to be a fantastic four years!!

New Pics :)

These are some new pics by Emily and Stew Wand at Pinnhead Photography. It was loads of fun!!

Ames Inspired

     So. Anybody out there watch the Bachelorette besides me?? I'm entirely addicted and I should be ashamed to admit that, but it is what it is. Anyway, I was watching it tonight and this guy, Ames, got me really thinking about a lot of different things, and so I decided to lay them all out here.
We'll see how that goes for me.
     Since the start of the season I haven't 'fallen in love with' Ames, because he jsut didn't stand out to me. In any way at all. He's just average-looking, with a big forehead, he's not particularly smart or funny and he's quiet. He's never the center of attention, never at the front of the scene so as someone watching on TV....I never really noticed him. You have to be sort of odd or unusual to be noticed on shows like these.
     Tonight, however, we got to see his first one-on-one date with Ashley and he shocked me!! He was witty and hilarious and extremely charming. I liked him more and more as the day went on. And it seems that Ashley felt the same way. She was falling for him fast and I can't wait to see how there relationship turns out. (Yes, I really am invested in these things!!)
     But the thing that got me the most involved in Ames and his charm was the way he lives his life. At one point in the date, Ashley was asking him why he did everything in a spontaneous manner; why all of his plans were last minute, and he replied so simply to her "Because the last minute is the best minute."
     I'm crazy about that quote!!
     I am a girl who is nuts about lists, calenders, plans, and appointments and I want to be the kind of person who chucks all that out the window. I want to live in THIS moment and enjoy every second, making endless last-second plans and last-minute decisions. No more planning ahead. Who knows if we're even going to get to see tomorrow??
     It's funny to me that a man on a reality TV show inspired me to change the way I live tonight. But it's the gosh-darn truth. It's definitely going to take me awhile to adjust to this drastic way of living but I'm ready to see what life is like when you only live in today!!
    I'll keep you posted on how that works!!

Devil in Me by Kate Voegele

This is a song that means a ton to me and a friend of mine and I decided to post it to share a little bit of what's been going on with one of my relationships the past few days. Some of the lyrics apply EXACTLY to what I'm going through. Just thought you should know.
Oh. And Kate Voegele is amazing. :)

"The Devil In Me"

Far in the distance
This is the view from the other side
How did I let this pass me by?

Took me for granted
Planted thorns in this garden of mine
What are the chances?
My hope has died

Please have mercy
You've unnerved me
I don't deserve this pain

So don't break my heart,
I ain't never done nothing to deserve this
I'm torn apart
You've had your fun, do you suppose I earned it?
Do you not see how I'm begging on my knees?
Don't speak, don't breathe,
You bring out the devil in me

Thinking it over
Those were days dark as ebony nights
The end of October felt like a lifetime

I had a suspicion
But didn't want to believe you a liar
You had a mission to prove me right

You took my trust
Ground it to dust
Found out I knew better

And I don't wanna feel the pain
And I don't want another day
Shackled to your ball and chain
You're entirely to blame
And I'm so tired of explaining
The sensation of no Novocain

I don't have a prayer if
There is no charity in your heart
Couldn't you spare me?
I've done my part

Some Haley Pics

These pics were taken by Brooke at Studio 637 Photography :)

I Get My Hopes Up

It seems to me that the world is divided into 2 kinds of people: the kind that get their hopes up and the kind that feel like all that does for you is cause more disappointment. I'm the kind that always gets my hopes up and even after 18 years of living life this way...it still hurts every dang time.
This last time I knew better. I was fully aware that it was too early to get all excited and I needed to chill and wait it out to see how things go. But I didn't. It was new and the situation was just like in a book or a movie. (I'm really into books- so I've always wanted to live out a love story. Maybe even write my own novel about it.) This time, tho, didn't turn out with a happy ending. No no no, it was only a big ugly argument that leaves me feeling like a silly little girl.
Even after all this...now that I know that it's extremely unlikely that things will work out the way I want them to...I still feel this tiny little light inside. Like maaaayybe I can have what I want. Maybe I'll get surprised and the fight didn't mean anything and instead of breaking us, it made us stronger. Now THAT's the kind of thing that would happen in a book. That's how love stories go where you think you'll never make it- and then you DO.
But that's never happened for me before. And there I go again. Getting all hopeful.
Today is definitely not a happy day. Today just might be the ending of something I didn't want there to be an ending to at all.

Daycare :) :)

Not One to Play Pretend

I'm a lot of bad things. I have more than one unattractive quality and I get that. I'm like everybody else. I'm terribly judgmental. I'm scared to death of way too many different things. I'm obsessive about order and neatness. I worry about small things that shouldn't matter. I'm too cautious. Too careful. Too concerned. I'm curious. I'm nosy. I ask too many questions and I don't always believe the answer given to me. I like proof and certain. I have a few too many lazy days. I don't like to keep secrets. I cry easily. And I hate germs. I don't handle being picked on very well- I hate being the butt of a joke. I'm picky. I'm bossy. Forgiving isn't one of my talents and even when I am able to forgive, I'll NEVER forget. I don't take tests well. I'm a stresser. I'm weak. And dependent. I like the idea of being protected. I'm childish too.
And these were just the things that came to me quickly!! Off the top of my head!!

But everything listed above is not the main focus. Listing my faults isn't what I'm trying to do here. I was simply making a point. Telling all that's wrong with me was for the sole purpose of contrasting what I'm about to say::

I am not fake.
I'm brutally honest and I never pretend. I won't ever tell you that I think you have a great idea when, in actuality, I think you could do better. I won't laugh when I don't get the joke. I won't go along with a plot I think is hateful or ugly for your entertainment. I won't tell you I am one way, when I'm another. I won't pretend to be what you want to get you to like me. And I won't pretend to like you if we don't get along.

I am so so so so so so so so so so far away from perfection. But at the end of the, I am who I am. What you see is what you get and you can bet on it.
You could do me a favor and offer the same in return.

Why Me??

Sometimes when too many things go terribly wrong we ask the question "Why me?" as in 'Why did God choose to pick on me?' 'Why can't things go my way?' 'What did I do to deserve this bad luck?' and we wonder why someone else didn't get our misfortune.
Well, today I was thinking about asking God "Why me?" but meaning it in a totally different way. I want to know why God picked me out of all those He's created to bless me with all the blessings I have. My life is wonderful, and it's all thanks to Him. I can't imagine it being possible to deserve all his love and giving. It isn't possible-I know that, but I can't even picture all one would have to achieve to earn all He gives to us.
As I was writing my Thank You cards to all the people who sent me a card or gift for graduation, it occurred to me that I CAN'T express how thankful I am to all the people in my life and to God for giving them to me. It actually made me extremely sad. I would really like to have a way to be able to show my gratitude. Maybe God meant for it to be this way. He wanted us to be unable to thank Him enough to once again demonstrate His power. Well, Lord, I get it. I see Your strength and I'm in awe.
What a God we have, you know it? And he loves me. Why me??

What a Person Puts in a Blog

So what is it exactly that a person puts in a blog??  I'm not totally sure and was hesitant to start this blog thing, jumping on the bandwagon...but I'm in now. What do I plan to put in a blog?? My life's news?? My thoughts and feelings?? I haven't yet decided. I'm open to suggestions but I'm hoping to somehow get a feel for all this. Did anybody else do it that way?? I'm so certain I'm not the only one who didn't know exactly what to talk about in the beginning. The important thing for YOU to know is that I can't write books, I can't sing songs, and my intellect is no kind of impressing. I just want to share. That's my plan for this blog. We'll see how it goes.

Hey ya'll looks like I have a blog now. Much posting and such to come very soon. I can't wait!!