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     Hey y'all!
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@MissHaleyN

Thanks!

I Didn't Forget, I Was Just Being Lazy :):)

November 23rd:  I'm thankful for Steven who's been a super great partner in crime to me for so long.  Please don't ever change, Tuck.  I love ya, buddy.

November 24th:  I'm thanking God for all 4 of my fantastic grandparents.  Lucky me, I got the best 4 in the whole world!!   I'd be a totally different (and less happy) girl without each of them in my life.

November 25th:  I'm thankful for my trip to Ukraine and all the amazing people I met there.  My life is forever changed for the better.  I can't wait until I get the chance to go back once again.  I think maybe possibly I belong there...

November 26th:  I'm thankful for Jon.  The best "brother-in-law" a girl could ask for! This kid is fun and funny and silly and smart and he's going to turn into a wonderful man someday.  I hope I'm still around the family to see it...

November 27th:  I'm sooooo thankful for technology.  I know that everyone thinks it's the root of all evil, but I'm glad to have it.  And I'm pumped to see where it takes us next.

November 28th:  I'm thankful for SNOW!! It's beautiful!!

November 29th:  I'm so blessed financially and I forget to thank God enough for that.  He's given me too much.

November 30th:  I'm also super duper for Mason.  What a great guy! I can trust him and tell him anything.  I can also count on him to always hold the door open for me.  Thank you God for putting him in my life here at Harding. I love ya, Goob!

This concludes my whole month of Thankful :) but it does NOT mean that I am only blessed and thankful for 30 things.
Don't take one second of life for granted,
Tell someone you love them today!

College Girls Do NOT Have Braces :)

Miss Molly and me hangin' at the daycare on the day before my 19th Birthday... RIGHT after I got my braces off!! Yay!! :)

Today Is An Easy One!

November 22nd::  I don't even have to think twice about it; today, I thank God that I am done with braces! Hopefully forever this time!  But in addition to that, I want to thank God for delivering me through my car wreck.  The wreck was the unfortunate reason I had to get braces on AGAIN, but when you consider the alternative... braces seem like a gift from heaven.  The highway patrolman said that I was a very lucky girl.  But he was mistaken.  I'm BLESSED.  I had angels surrounding me on that day and my God is the only reason I came out of there entirely unharmed.  Thank you, Lord.

Day 21 of Thanking My Heart Out

November 21st::  I'm thankful for my past, and I'm thankful that it's OVER.  We study history in school so that we are not doomed to repeat it.... and this applies to my life.  I've done some great things, but I've also made some great regrets.  I'm thankful today for Moving On and Second Chances.
     I have a super good feeling that This Chapter in my life, is going to be one that I look on and smile.  I'm surrounded by people and places and things that make me as happy as I've ever been.

The More I Think, The More I Must Thank

November 19th::  Tonight I'm thanking the Lord for my sweet sweet crazy funny happy silly wild friend Parey.  She makes me laugh and I can't wait until we once again live in the same town.  I'm sure there are tons of way too fun times to come.  You're a light, girl.  Don't ever let any of those stupid people get you down.

November 20th::  Thank God for my home church family at Salem Christian Church in Salem, Missouri.  I would not be the girl I am today without those wonderful people shaping and inspiring my life.  (And I like the girl I am today, so THANKS!)

I Can't Express Enough Thanks-- Such A Blessed Life

November 16th:  I'm sooooo incredibly thankful for the nine years of friends and fun and community and safety and happiness and learning and healing in Salem, Missouri.  I'd never have made it, had I been forced to grow up in a big city.  Being a small-town girl, I thrived and I'm so thankful to have that chance.  God knew right where I needed to be to be the very best me.

November 17th:  I'm thankful for every single adorable wonderful perfect sweet child at SCC Preschool and Daycare.  I was blessed enough to have the chance to spend three years of my life with these babies and I love them all so much. I think of them daily.  My visits with them are one of the best parts of my visits home.  Kids: Please stop growing! :)

November 18th:  I'm thankful for my pretty blue-purple car named Sally.  She gets me everywhere I need to go and I'm aware that lots of people have to go without.  I'm one of the lucky ones.  Without my car, I couldn't get to HU and back and I love to be at both places so she's a vital part of my college life.

Thank you, Lord for my life!

More Thank You, Thank Yous

Novemeber 11th:  Thank God for out Veterans.  You are the bravest people ever!  I take the liberties that your service has given to me and it's a terrible way to be.  I'm truly grateful for all you've done.

November 12th:  I'm sooooo thankful for my Kendall 3rd floor girls! These ladies are too funny and full of drama. I love living here in all the craziness haha.

November 13th:  Thank God for the sunshine.  Just try to imagine life without it! Even in the middle of November, God has granted us beautiful, bright, warm, weather to enjoy outside.

November 14th:  Thank God for my feet! It may sound silly, but I had the best run of my life, and I'm lucky to get the opportunity to get out my stresses in this way.  There are so many in the world less fortunate than I am.

November 15th:  Thank God for the rain.  It's pouring here, and I am terrified of the rain... BUT I know that it's a blessing, that we need it, and that God will always provide.  He knows what is best for us, even if we consider it inconvenient or scary. I love you, Lord.

Still So Thankful

More thankful moments from my Month of Thanks!!

November 8th::  Thank the Lord for my sweet sweet sweet little brother bear.  How boring my life would be without him!  His giggles calm me down with nothing else can and his snuggles keep me going when I just wanna stay in my bed.  He is such a wonderful boy and I don't deserve him, but luckily, God let's me keep him anyway.  I miss him so much while I'm away at school.  I can't wait to see what a great guy he turns into one day.  I love you, Jess!

November 9th:  Thank God for America.  There a lot of common negative things about the United States and the people who live there, but the folks who say things like this are just forgetting that we, as Americans, are among the most fortunate people in the world!  We can not imagine what it is like to wake up in the morning and wonder if we will get any food at all to eat today.  It just isn't the life God gave us to live.  By allowing us to be born in America, God actually gave us too much and now we struggle with remembering how desperately we NEED Him to survive.  What a wonderful land God has placed me in!

November 10th:  Today I want to thank my Lord for my shelter.  There has been some small crime near my home in Searcy recently and I am so glad to have the security of a locked door.  I am able to sleep peacefully without worry, because God is kind enough to look out for me and bless me with a secure environment to live.  Also, my shelter protects me from the weather.  I don't suppose I would get very good sleep if God allowed all the rain we've had to pour into my room during the night.  I love the way God takes care of us.  He thought of every little thing.

Trying Not To Get Too Behind

November 5th is the day I'm thankful for my mom.  Why??  Because she's my MOM.  She's the best and she's a superhero.  No other mom could ever be able to put up with me, or anyone else in the family.  She's perfect for the job.

November 6th goes out to my daddy.  My very best buddy and the guy that loves me the most of anyone in this world.  I can only hope one day to be have as smart as he is.  I'm so much like him, and he knows it, and this is how we understand each other like nobody else.  I miss him every day.

November 7th I'm thankful for the season of Fall.  It's the prettiest and the most impressive to me and it's just easily my favorite.  This year, Fall has made my long drive home to Salem on the weekends beautiful and pleasing and it's helped me to remember to be in awe of God.  What a wonderful artist he is!

4th of November

For day number four of my thankfulness journey I want to say thanks to my God and Father for the wonderful place I get to go to school:  Harding University.  I am so crazy happy here in Searcy, Arkansas and I know this is the perfect place for me to learn and grow in the Lord and for the Lord.  I can't believe how blessed I am to get to study here and meet so many truly delightful people.  Even when I committed to this school, deciding that it was the best choice for me, I had no idea how awesome the school really was and no clue about how will I would fit here.  I'm having a blast right now, and I'm extremely excited for a bright future in which I have the privilege to glorify the God of all creation with my life and my works.  Thank you, Lord.  I am completely undeserving.

Day 3 of Thanks

     Today I want to share with you all how thankful I am for my little sister, Anndy.  I chose today as the day to talk about her because today she came to visit me at Harding for the very first time.  I'm so excited to have her here!  She's been a great friend to me, especially recently and she provides me with a totally different outlook on life.  She's so many things that I am not, such as athletic and artistic and she has no idea how much I admire her for those things.  God has blessed her with many many many great gifts and I can't wait to see what she will do with them in her life, at the same time that I do not EVER want her to grow up. I'm thankful for Anndy's love and companionship, but also for the pressure she gives me to be a better person.  I want to be a role model and a great example with my life and she is the inspiration and my motivation.  I hope to make her proud. I love you, Dirt Diver. :)

Quick Quote From 'Radical'

Have you read the book 'Radical' by David Platt?? If you haven't then you should.
Here's a quote I ran into today while reading Radical for a book study tonight.

"Why would we ever want to settle for Christianity according to OUR ability or settle for church according to OUR resources? The power of the One who raised Jesus from the dead is living in us and as a result we have no need to muster up our own might." -David Platt in 'Radical'

30 Days of Being Extra Thankful

     I want to take the entire month of November to be thankful for something in my life each and every day, and I've chosen to do so on this blog right here.  I'm going to share with you only 30 of the many wonderful things in my life.  I haven't thought ahead a whole lot of what and who and how but I'm sure I'm a blessed enough gal to work this out, so I'm gunna try it.  I know today is the 2nd, so today will have 2 items, and don't be alarmed if I miss a day every now and then. I'm a busy girl and I'll make up for it when I blog some more.
     I love you all, my silly readers.
 
November 1st::
Kaley, my roommate.
     I have no idea why or how it happened but some super tall, crazy girl from Texas found be online one day to change my life for the better and be my new best friend.  I can't say enough how glad I am to have her.  I can't imagine living with anyone else and I don't want to try.  She's funny and happy and caring and tidy and smart and creative and beautiful and I love her.  I'm thankful for Kaley every day.

November 2nd::
Jake, my boyfriend.
     Yep, I'm one of THOSE girls who blogs about how her boyfriend is the very best and sweetest and cutest and all that yucky stuff.  It's the truth, ladies.  My boyfriend is the greatest boyfriend in the whole world and I love him to death.  One day, less than 3 months ago, he was there for me before we were even friends.  He didn't owe me anything, but he knew I needed someone and he stepped up to the plate.  I haven't looked at him the same way ever since.  I know I can count on him.  I trust him completely.  I love him more than I knew I could love a guy and I don't care if I'm "just a little kid."  Jake treats me like a princess, even though I don't deserve it and I'm immensely thankful to have him around.  I'll do anything to get to keep him.

Be thankful today, ya'll.  Tell someone you love them for me, okay?

Quite Frequently

     My history professor said once that "some people mess up more frequently."  He went as far as implying that it's in their genetics.  Well, after some careful consideration, I believe he's correct.  And through some crazy luck of the draw or joke from God, I ended up with that gene.  Goodness.
     You know those times where you say something you shouldn't?  Or when you don't say something you should?  These happen to me so often!  Why can't I spit it out or just shut up and why must it be so hard to tell the difference in the moment???  Ugh.  I feel so confused and tired and frustrated right now.  It's exhausting.  To replay that moment over and over in your head, imagining how it went and how you wish it would have gone.  And you can't quit.  It's like a dvd with a deep scratch.  I'm stuck on the same scene.

What's it Worth?

Worth:
 noun
-usefulness or importance, as to the world, a person, or for a purpose
-excellence of character or quality as commanding esteem
-value, as in money
-a quantity of something with a specified value
-wealth, riches, property or possessions, net worth

Hey ya'll. Sooo basically I just can not stop thinking about how often the word Worth is used.
          Is it worth the wait?

          Will it be worth my time?

          How many points is it worth?

And so on.  I'm going nuts here because I can't answer the question.  I don't know what is worth what to whom and who gets to decide that.  It's crazy!

     There are many things that, to me, would be Worth the Wait, that to someone else who's got different interests than I or who just simply does not have the gift of patience would consider a massive waste of time.  Correct?  Well, is one of us mistaken?  Can we both be right?  Is worth not a concept that either Is or Is not?  Because, you see, money has a set worth.  It's worth what it's worth and it costs what it costs but how much a person is worth to you or a special possession or time has Worth to each of us, but varies in amount.
     Goodness.  The more I think about this, the more I don't know.
     It all started when my boyfriend asked me today if some insignificant thing was Worth it.  I instantly had the thought "To me or to you?"  Since then I've been hearing the word used over and over and over again.  I can't get over this puzzle.  Why would I get to choose?
     I'm pretty sure the method I use for measuring my own Worth and the Worth of the things that belong to me or surround me is different from the manner used by anyone else on the planet.  Most likely, we all have our own system.  Is this the solution?  I don't know.  It must be!  But this dilemma has made me seriously reconsider that word and how casually I use it. 
   
     Just a side note, I've always hated words with too many definitions.  I personally think we should all broaden our vocabulary and then choose words that are so much more specific. 

There's A Lot to Love About College

     Just some things I'm finding that I love about being a student at Harding University::

1.  When you sneeze, class basically stops because at least 10 people ARE going to Bless You immediately.
2.  I go entire days here without touching a door.  The boys around here are quite the southern gentlemen.
3.  I only sit in a classroom 11 hours out of the whole week.
4.  Duffel bags are OUT.  Backpacks are IN.
5.  Everyone and their mom has Skype.
6.  #chapeltweet
7.  You can sleep or not sleep at any hour of any day and nobody think you're sick or weird or any kind of anything except a normal college kid.
8.  You don't have to worry about being broke.  Everybody is broke!
9.  LOTS of new facebook friends with LOTS of goooooood facebook posts.
10.  Everybody has their own cute accent.
11.  Walmart is a recreational event.
12.  Tennis is a real class with a real grade and real credit.
13.  Kaley is my roommate.
14.  My parents aren't here to tell me No.
15.  Actually, no one at all is here to tell me No.
16.  A church service JUST for college kids exists.  And it starts at 10:30pm. Fun? Yeah!
17.  The shoe variety here is ALL new to me.
18.  Java City.
19.  Having my own mailbox with my own address.
20.  Getting packages at my own address in my own mailbox.
21.  No busy work in your classes.
22.  The classes that you have no busy work in are classes you actually want to learn in.
23.  The teachers actually teach you things.
24.  The things you learn are things you actually need in life.
25.  God is everywhere here.

Forgot to Say it Out Loud

     Whoa.  I haven't done this in a while.  I really should, 'cause it's sorta fun in a -wonder-if-anyone-wants-to-know-what's-up-in-my-life kinda way.
     So what have I been up to?  First off, I headed to college.  I'm living in Searcy, going to classes, making new friends and missing my Boy at home.  And I'm happy.  I know that HU is where God wanted me to be.  I fit there.  I have a sense of belonging that I never even had at my own home in Salem.  High school was a tough process for me (that's another story) and I'm so thrilled and thankful that college doesn't appear to be that same old mess.  I hope it's not too soon to say so.
     As happy as I am in Searcy, I've been coming back to my hometown A LOT.  This is, of course, for a guy.  An extremely important one.  I miss him all the time, even when I'm with him and, in case you don't already know, long-distance relationships are suuuper difficult.  As far as just the relationship is concerned, there simply aren't a lot of perks.  But I can't change a thing.  I couldn't leave him.  I'm some kinda mess over this guy and I couldn't be happier about it.  I'm thinking in long term here, and I hope we can make it happen.
     People think I'm silly for adding the stress of a boyfriend to the craziness of college life, but people have been telling me I'm silly for a long, long time.  It doesn't affect my decisions.  Ha!
     There's also the roommate that I feel I need to mention.  Living with K is a blast! Nobody could be a better fit for me.  I know for a fact that God let me have her and I feel so blessed to get to share my college experience with her.  She's like my best friend now and I can't wait to keep on having too much fun with her.
     Another friend that I quickly clicked with, tho, is P and she is unfortunately gone now.  I miss her a ton and I hope she'll be back in January.  P, if you're reading this, what happened was crazy unfair and you're severely missed at Harding, okay? Also....I think you should come visit! :)
     Something that isn't going as smoothly as I'd hoped is my major.  It doesn't seem like a very practical major and as much as I love it, I have no idea what to do with it as a career!  I know I have a lot of time left to decide so I'm just going to keep praying that God has a specific strategy that He'll share with me in the future.  I'm confident that everything will work out as it should.
    In the meantime, I'm just going to keep loving my Boy, laughing all the time, being free, and going places!

Sorry this was such a brief and random post.  I'll try to do better and post more often.  My life has been a hot mess lately!

That Boy :)

     I'm awake at 6:53 in the morning right now and I've been up for just short of one hour.  I can't sleep.  Not even a little.  I don't feel sleepy.  Or tired.  Or drowsy or anything of the sort.  I just feel happy.  And it's all because of this guy.
     Guys, I know you're thinking I'm sounding really crazy right now.  And maybe that's the truth.  Maybe I'm nuts.  But what I'm feeling is for real.  It's harsh and it's loud and it's awesome.  I've never felt this way before.  I fell for a guy in 6 days.  That's right.  I did.  Impossible?  I would've said so too.  And I didn't mean to.  I mean, really, I have to move out in only 3 days, and I was NOT hunting for a new relationship just before I went to college.  Don't be silly.  That is like life's number one rule:  Do not go to college tied down.
     Well guess what, ya'll.  I'm breaking it.  You would too if you could feel this.
     I don't want to go to college anymore.  I want to stay right here with him.  I trust him more than is healthy.  I think about him constantly.  He's not just a guy.  He's something crazy and the timing is terrible, but what can I do?
I'm entirely hopeless.  I'm a goner.  I'm hooked.  I'm stuck. And I'm happy about it.

The Fill-In

     I had an extremely rough day today.
     Here I am, trying to go to college in only 14 days, when I receive some devastating news concerning some monetary help I was going to get from Disability.  In short, the news was that it's not happening.  It was a large amount of money.  I really needed it.  And I honestly feel that I deserve it.  Guys, I've never wanted anything in my whole life as much as I want to go to Harding University.  It's been a struggle from day number one and I truly believed that I had finally settled everything.  All was good and in place and ready for me to go to my dream school.  And now it's as if I'm starting all over.  Ugh!
     The problem is not that I want to give up.  The issue is that I have no idea what to do next.  I don't have a plan B because my plan A came together!  Where can I come up with a large sum of money in only two weeks? Who can I turn to?  What will I do if the money doesn't appear?  I know God will provide, but I don't believe in sitting on my butt to wait for it.  I have to keep fighting.  But I just do not know how.
     Feeling totally defeated, I headed into work.  I was late, due to the Disability meeting and I didn't want to go in at all.  My heart wasn't in it today.  But when I walked upstairs, I saw my fill-in relaxing with my kids everyone enjoying themselves and I smiled.  It was so sweet. ((Let's take a pause in the story to note that the fill-in saved the day at the last second when I realized I couldn't make it into work at 10pm last night.  He rocks.))
     Quickly discovering that I was having a rough day, the fill-in and hero of today set his sights on making it better.  By staying a whole extra hour to talk, insisting that I was not allowed to cry, and by continuing to text me long after we had both left work for the day.  Encouraging me and distracting me and entertaining me.  And would you like to know something?  He succeeded.  He helped me get through today and I don't think he even knows how grateful I am to have his help- NOT just at work.  What a good guy :)
     Problems will resolve themselves and sadness fades.  I'm so so glad I didn't let a whole day waste without a little happiness in it. All thanks to The Fill-In.

The 40 Most Difficult Goodbyes of My Life

     I am one of those rare and lucky people who get to go to work every single day and love their job with their whole entire being.  I was made for this job.  I'm good at it and it makes me happy.  Lots of people that I know would end up homeless before going to work at the place of my employment.  But not me.  In fact, even on days I don't have to be at work I go there to unwind.  To not think so hard for just a little bit.  I get so caught up in the noise and commotion and chaos that nothing outside those doors matters for just a little while.  I feel comfortable there.  I feel loved there.
     I work at a daycare.
     I love the kids that I am privileged to work with more than I love my own life.  I pray for them every night and I constantly wonder what they're up to when I'm apart from them for more than a day.  They're my world.  And the very best part is that they love me too.  It's a magical feeling, you know.  Love from a child is unlike any other love I've ever been a part of.  With a boyfriend, you can never know for totally sure if he'll go on loving you tomorrow and the day after and the day after that.  But with those kids, I can wake up in the morning certain that they'll be happy to see me when I walk through that door.  That's the kind of thing that, to me, gives a life meaning and value.  To love and be loved unconditionally is something some people never know.
     When I have to take off of work for an extended period, I always explain exactly to the kids where I will be.  I use maps and calendars and we use colors to demonstrate just how long I'll be gone and what I will be up to.  If you don't tell the kids these things, they worry.  And they are always so understanding about when I have to miss our time together to be someplace else.
     But this one is new for all of us.
     Miss Haley has to leave for college.  And I won't be working there any longer.  At all.
     It totally breaks my heart to leave them.  But every song has an ending and God has nudged me, telling me it's time to move on.  I know taking the next step in my life involves leaving these kids that I love so deeply and care about so much.
     The problem isn't as much me as it is them.  They are not going to understand.  They won't get it.  I can show them where I'll be but they are going to demand to know when I will come back. And sure, I'll visit, but that will only be more confusing. Ugh.
     As I move out and head to Harding, I'll remember them and picture them asking the other workers "Where's Miss Haley?" and even as I think of it now I just want for them to be able to tell the kids I will be right there.  You may think this is pathetic but they hold my heart.  And I'm leaving a piece of me behind.  Leaving these kids will be at least as tough as leaving my family.  These kids are like MY kids.
     I wish I had some way to convey to them how much I love them.  I wish that somehow they could see into the future and wish me luck.  Their support would mean the world to me.  I know I can make them proud.  And I don't have a lot of options.  I just got hug them tight, kiss them one more time, and head out into the world to try and be somebody else's hero.
     I have 6 more days to work at the daycare.  Then I have to say the 40 most difficult goodbyes of my life.

I'm One of Those People Who Gets Addicted Easily

     I just finished watching the very first episode of Lost on Netflix and I am already hooked.  I can't wait to watch and see and figure out what that big scary thing is and what's going to happen next.  And watching that made me decide to get on here and try to list some things I've been into lately.  Maybe other people like the same things as me and maybe I'm the only one in the world who enjoys what I enjoy and I have really bad taste in everything.  I don't care.  I'm going to post my opinions anyway.  It's my blog.  I can do that if I want to.
     I recently finished watching Wildfire.  You know, the show with the horse?  I watched the whole series.  Every episode.  There's only like 52 so it didn't take very long.  I watch way too much Netflix.  So, I really liked the show.  It's basically all about one girl, one guy, and one horse.  It's simple and it doesn't hurt your head to try and remember what happened in the last episode.
     I also just got caught up with The Secret Life of the American Teenager.  Geez did I cry in that last one!  I won't spoil it for you.  You have to watch for yourself.  I like that show because of the story.  Whoever wrote that did a great job but the acting is worse than average.  By a lot.
     Probably my favorite show ever (NOT INCLUDING Reality Television) is One Tree Hill.  I'm a couple of episodes behind but I'll get there.  It's hard to recommend that show tho because it's a show that you really have to see every single episode of before you can understand.  And there's been like 8 seasons so it's basically too late to start now.  Sorry.
     The show I never ever miss is The Bachelorette.  Or The Bachelor.  Or Bachelor Pad.  They're all basically the same and tho they're totally trashy and worthless and every episode lasts 2 whole hours, I am totally hooked.  I just love it.  I always fall in love right along with the people on the show.  Which is so goofy.    I know.  But it's not like I'm the only one.  That show has endless ridiculous fans just like me.
     I also seriously enjoy Paranormal State and Beyond Scared Straight on A&E.  Those are also embarrassing.
   
     How about books?
     I read the first 7 books in the Pretty Little Liars series and although they're not the kind of books that have any kind of substance or provoke thought in any way... I liked them.  All of them.  I always finish wanting to know what happens next.  In fact, the 8th book is on its way to my house right now.
     I finished Shana Twain's autobiography titled From This Moment On and it was so completely incredible.  She really did a great job and her life has been so....full and confusing and difficult, she had so much to share and I loved being a part of it.  That book is LONG tho so you really have to commit.
     The next book I read was The Pact: A Love Story by Jodi Picoult. OH MY GOSH it was fantastic!  By far the best book I've read in a long time.  It was sweet and funny and happy and sad and surprising.  I definitely recommend it, especially if you're a girl.  My Sister's Keeper is another good one by Jodi.  The book is way better than the movie.

     I think that's all I have for now but don't think for one minute that's the last you'll hear from me!!

Why Can't We Be Friends??

     So.
     Have you ever been able to maintain a healthy friendship with someone you were previously dating?  Can you go back to being "just friends" with an ex?  There's no debating the fact that I have never personally accomplished this, even though I've tried more than just one time.  But what I want to know is not whether I can do it, but if anyone can.  Is it even possible for exes to be friends?
     I doubt it.  Most things in life that I know anything about involve lines.  You go so far and draw a line.  Maybe the goal is to cross the line, break your record, take another step.  But there are other lines that we cross that we'd prefer to re-cross and get back to the other side.  But the lines in life- or all the ones I've ever been a part of- can not be uncrossed. And unfortunately this seems to be the case with the Friendship Line.  Don't you agree?
     Once you cross over from being buddies only to something more, I don't think there's a way to have any other kind of relationship.  You're stuck with a romantic relationship, or no relationship at all.  And so far, the only other possibility I see is just a whole lot of awkwardness and I can't stand that.  Awkward is the worst!
     I once dated my best friend.  And now that we aren't together, I can't tell him all that stuff that you only tell your best friend.  I have a new best friend.  And my relationship with her is fantastic.  She may even be a BETTER best friend...  But she isn't the same.  She can't replace the one I lost and I lost it for good because of stupid lines. I wish you could choose which writing utensil you want to use to draw your lines.  Like:: "This one I'm drawing in thick black sharpie marker, but this one over here let's put in pencil."  You know what I mean?
     But if everyone was able to undo every mistake they ever made then none of us would ever learn anything.  And we'd all probably end up spending the rest of our lives in relationships with the wrong people.  Those people we were meant to breakup with.
     Who wrote the rules for relationships?  I'd really like to know so that I could smack them hard across the face.

This bar here isn't big enough for the title I want to put here

     So I haven't really posted in a while.  This is not because I haven't had anything to say. No no no, now that's a ridiculous thought.  I haven't posted because I've had too much to say.  All these thoughts that are racing around in my head without any sort of common thing.  What is my problem?  Why can't I relax?  Geez.
     I'm not happy.  At all.  And I have this childish feeling that nobody is listening to me.  And WOW can that make a girl angry.  But what am I supposed to do?  Yell and rebel?  That's mature.  I don't even know if I want to be mature.  I'm in the mood to throw a big fit.  And I would if I thought that would do any good.
     I'm awfully blessed.
     I'm awfully blessed.
     I'm awfully blessed.
     I keep telling myself that, but I'm still pissed off.  I think what I want is for things to be easy.  Even SOME things being easy would be good enough.  But nothing is easy, everything is stressful, and I think I've hit my limit. It's something like 28 days until I move out of my house to go to college.  I'm so excited, especially since I have the most wonderful roommate in the whole entire world.  But I want someone around here to act like they're going to miss me.  Good grief, people, can't you at least pretend?
     And why are boys stupid?  You know the only real thing I want from a guy?  For him to say what he means and mean what he says.  Anything else, I could work around but I need this part and I don't think there's one single fricking guy out there who can do it. Grrrrrr.
     I don't even know what else to say.  Not that that's all of what I WANT to say.  No no no, there's definitely more however, I don't know how to convey it all to a blog. I'm a mess.

College Car :)

This is my new car and I love it.  I'm still looking for a name, but that will come.  This beauty was sitting in my driveway waiting for me when I got out of the hospital (about 12 hours ago).  I'm a lucky girl and I can't wait to see where these wheels will take me!! Vroooom!! :)

Possible to Stay Positive??

     I'm currently sitting here in a hospital bed with an IV in my hand (that's the WORST spot, ain't it??) and haven't had outside food since Tuesday night. There isn't anything fun to do here. I'm sick of television and I want to use my own bathroom. The shower has a chair in it. That wouldn't be a big deal, except that people are naked in the shower and chair are for sitting and naked butts....oh gosh, it's so gross. In addition, you have to let the nurses know whenever you go into the bathroom AND they write down what happened in there. Oh geez. The nurses aren't keeping my meds on time and every single minute that they're late is one more minute tagged on to my stay here in heck. Ugh.
     Needless to say I'm ready to be at my own house in my own room in my own bed with my own smells -I sooo wish I could have my Scentsy here!! I want to go home. And yet everyone keeps telling me to stay happy. And to be positive. Are they nuts?? I can't. I'd love to be cheerful and excited and thankful, but it's so difficult. Yuck. Now, not only do I hate where I am and want to be somewhere else... I have to feel guilty for being miserable. As if being miserable isn't terrible enough all on its own. Grrr.
     Thanks a lot family and friends for making me feel terrible about myself!! Hahahaha I plan to get you all back someday by making you feel very guilty for feelings that are simply not your fault. Ha.

Forgive. And Forget??

     Oh my my my, am I stressed!! I'm headed to the hospital Wednesday to stay for a few days and try to get my pain levels down and plus there's all this college stuff with classes and buying junk for our room, not to mention crazy psycho girls who only want to make drama for me. And then there's this boy. Of course. There's always a boy. But I'm not complaining. Just wondering.

     The thing I need to know now is how far forgiveness goes. What sorts of things fall under the forgiveness umbrella. I don't need anyone to tell me how many times to forgive. I get that. You must forgive forever and ever and even still you own't come close to forgiving the way Jesus did. And nobody needs to tell me when to forgive. I got that covered too.
     But must we forget?? When you forgive someone who has wronged you, hurt you, betrayed you, lied to you, and so on, do you also have to immediately go back to the way things were?? Am I supposed to pretend that I think acting that way is okay?? Well then, I need some prayers because I don't think I can!! What ever happened to "fool me twice, shame on me"??
     I'm having trouble finding the balance. I've forgiven. It's over. I don't intend to hold a grudge by any means. But I am completely unable to go right back to the level of friendship and trust that I had before. I want to, so badly, and I can see it in the future. For now, though, it just can't happen.
     And I feel guilty.
     How is that fair?? I didn't DO anything!! I forgave. But I remember all too well the sting of what happened not too long ago and it's ruining a relationship I'd love to have.
   
     All I can see to do here is pray. Please, Lord, let me have my buddy back. Mend my heart (and blur my memory).

In Honor of Father's Day

     Since today is Father's Day I really felt like sharing my number one favorite all-time memory of my dad. His finest parenting moment EVER. And yes, if you're wondering, I am going to cry while writing this for you to see.
     The first thing you need to know is that I suffer from a chronic pain conditions and it kills my dad and the rest of my family. It's one of those things where I'm forced to be in pain all of the time and there is nothing he can do. He just has to watch and as a daddy, he'd rather be saving the day and making me better.
     Because of this condition, I'm stuck going through various unpleasant treatments now and then to relieve my pain- some of these work for me, and some simply don't help at all. When this story takes place, I was at a particularly horrible moment where the pain was utterly excruciating and the treatment the doctors had me doing was making me sicker and sicker by the minute. I was not even able to get up off the floor before throwing up again and again, couldn't sleep yet wanted to, and I was confused which made me extremely emotional and I was crying a lot just from all the un-fun things happening at once.
     Because I couldn't stand without getting sick, I was spending the time between my vomits laying in the floor in various locations around my house (sometimes when you're sick, you do things like this that don't make any sense). I was laying in the hallway on the floor crying and just being plain miserable and my dad was a room away in the living room sitting in his chair watching tv. He paused the show and he said to me, "Man, I'm so sorry, sis" and I mumble something in return like "Not your fault." He turned on the volume again.
     Not one full minute passed before he muted the show again and called out "H, what do we need to do? How can I help you?" and I thought for only a second before telling him "There's nothing at all that anyone can do." and I believed it. He once again turned up his tv show to hear it.
     This time it was less than 20 seconds before my daddy turned off the television completely and got up out of his chair. He walked quietly across the living room and into the hallway entrance. He got down on his knees, then his hands, then he lay down on the floor. He ran his fingers through my hair and said a prayer for me out loud. This wasn't the preacher kind of prayer that I hear him give all the time- he IS a preacher, you know. This one was, instead a broken-hearted dad who just wanted someone to make his little girl feel better.  I don't know what he said exactly, but I remember realizing that I had been wrong when I told him that nobody could do anything to make it better. He found a way.
     He stayed there for a few minutes playing with my hair and singing old church songs to me. I didn't want to move, but after a too-short amount of time I whispered that I had to go get sick again. He had a tear in his eye and he said "That's okay, sweetie. I'll wait here and you can come right back. I love you."
     It made me feel guilty that even though he was trying, and even though he wanted so badly for me to be better, I had to leave the sweetest moment of my entire life to go do the thing he wanted least for me- be sick. I know, of course, this wasn't actually my fault and that guilt over that is a silly thing.
     I'll never ever forget that night. I was 17 and had Kansas City Chiefs pajamas on when I realized there was nobody in the whole entire world who would ever love me near as much as my daddy does.
     Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there- especially mine.

Is This For Real??

     Thursday and Friday of this week I was at an event at Harding called Summer Stampede where we registered for classes and a ton of other things that really smacked me in the face that this Moving Out, Going to College, No More High School stuff is seriously happening an it's happening NOW. It's so crazy!! I'm so excited to see what's ahead for me and what God's plans for my future are, but goodness. I'm also as scared as I have ever been.
     I'm the kind of girl that like to know.
     "Where are we going to eat?" "I don't know, where do you want to?" "I don't care where, I just want to know."
     That's me. All the time. Every day. About the silliest little things. But for college, I don't get to do that. It's probably for my own good. I mean, sure, I know who my roommate is and what my class schedule is, and those seem like big things but there is so much more I'm curious about!! I want to KNOW what it's going to be like.

     High School wasn't a great experience for me. This fact has NOTHING to do with the classes or the people just several unlucky events mostly including medical things, so I honestly haven't done full-time school in a couple of years. And, yeah, I'm really freaking out about that. It just seems to me like before I try to tackle college I ought to practice and I'm completely out of the loop right now. Oh my.
     I realize I'm being silly. That throughout my rough high school days and all those days before that God has taken great care of me. And "who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" Right??
     But that's never stopped me from worrying before!! Ha!!

     I just want it to be August so that I can get to Harding and have all my fears relieved. :) It's going to be a fantastic four years!!

New Pics :)

These are some new pics by Emily and Stew Wand at Pinnhead Photography. It was loads of fun!!

Ames Inspired

     So. Anybody out there watch the Bachelorette besides me?? I'm entirely addicted and I should be ashamed to admit that, but it is what it is. Anyway, I was watching it tonight and this guy, Ames, got me really thinking about a lot of different things, and so I decided to lay them all out here.
We'll see how that goes for me.
     Since the start of the season I haven't 'fallen in love with' Ames, because he jsut didn't stand out to me. In any way at all. He's just average-looking, with a big forehead, he's not particularly smart or funny and he's quiet. He's never the center of attention, never at the front of the scene so as someone watching on TV....I never really noticed him. You have to be sort of odd or unusual to be noticed on shows like these.
     Tonight, however, we got to see his first one-on-one date with Ashley and he shocked me!! He was witty and hilarious and extremely charming. I liked him more and more as the day went on. And it seems that Ashley felt the same way. She was falling for him fast and I can't wait to see how there relationship turns out. (Yes, I really am invested in these things!!)
     But the thing that got me the most involved in Ames and his charm was the way he lives his life. At one point in the date, Ashley was asking him why he did everything in a spontaneous manner; why all of his plans were last minute, and he replied so simply to her "Because the last minute is the best minute."
     I'm crazy about that quote!!
     I am a girl who is nuts about lists, calenders, plans, and appointments and I want to be the kind of person who chucks all that out the window. I want to live in THIS moment and enjoy every second, making endless last-second plans and last-minute decisions. No more planning ahead. Who knows if we're even going to get to see tomorrow??
     It's funny to me that a man on a reality TV show inspired me to change the way I live tonight. But it's the gosh-darn truth. It's definitely going to take me awhile to adjust to this drastic way of living but I'm ready to see what life is like when you only live in today!!
    I'll keep you posted on how that works!!

Devil in Me by Kate Voegele

This is a song that means a ton to me and a friend of mine and I decided to post it to share a little bit of what's been going on with one of my relationships the past few days. Some of the lyrics apply EXACTLY to what I'm going through. Just thought you should know.
Oh. And Kate Voegele is amazing. :)

"The Devil In Me"

Far in the distance
This is the view from the other side
How did I let this pass me by?

Took me for granted
Planted thorns in this garden of mine
What are the chances?
My hope has died

Please have mercy
You've unnerved me
I don't deserve this pain

So don't break my heart,
I ain't never done nothing to deserve this
I'm torn apart
You've had your fun, do you suppose I earned it?
Do you not see how I'm begging on my knees?
Don't speak, don't breathe,
You bring out the devil in me

Thinking it over
Those were days dark as ebony nights
The end of October felt like a lifetime

I had a suspicion
But didn't want to believe you a liar
You had a mission to prove me right

You took my trust
Ground it to dust
Found out I knew better

And I don't wanna feel the pain
And I don't want another day
Shackled to your ball and chain
You're entirely to blame
And I'm so tired of explaining
The sensation of no Novocain

I don't have a prayer if
There is no charity in your heart
Couldn't you spare me?
I've done my part

Some Haley Pics

These pics were taken by Brooke at Studio 637 Photography :)

I Get My Hopes Up

It seems to me that the world is divided into 2 kinds of people: the kind that get their hopes up and the kind that feel like all that does for you is cause more disappointment. I'm the kind that always gets my hopes up and even after 18 years of living life this way...it still hurts every dang time.
This last time I knew better. I was fully aware that it was too early to get all excited and I needed to chill and wait it out to see how things go. But I didn't. It was new and the situation was just like in a book or a movie. (I'm really into books- so I've always wanted to live out a love story. Maybe even write my own novel about it.) This time, tho, didn't turn out with a happy ending. No no no, it was only a big ugly argument that leaves me feeling like a silly little girl.
Even after all this...now that I know that it's extremely unlikely that things will work out the way I want them to...I still feel this tiny little light inside. Like maaaayybe I can have what I want. Maybe I'll get surprised and the fight didn't mean anything and instead of breaking us, it made us stronger. Now THAT's the kind of thing that would happen in a book. That's how love stories go where you think you'll never make it- and then you DO.
But that's never happened for me before. And there I go again. Getting all hopeful.
Today is definitely not a happy day. Today just might be the ending of something I didn't want there to be an ending to at all.

Daycare :) :)

Not One to Play Pretend

I'm a lot of bad things. I have more than one unattractive quality and I get that. I'm like everybody else. I'm terribly judgmental. I'm scared to death of way too many different things. I'm obsessive about order and neatness. I worry about small things that shouldn't matter. I'm too cautious. Too careful. Too concerned. I'm curious. I'm nosy. I ask too many questions and I don't always believe the answer given to me. I like proof and certain. I have a few too many lazy days. I don't like to keep secrets. I cry easily. And I hate germs. I don't handle being picked on very well- I hate being the butt of a joke. I'm picky. I'm bossy. Forgiving isn't one of my talents and even when I am able to forgive, I'll NEVER forget. I don't take tests well. I'm a stresser. I'm weak. And dependent. I like the idea of being protected. I'm childish too.
And these were just the things that came to me quickly!! Off the top of my head!!

But everything listed above is not the main focus. Listing my faults isn't what I'm trying to do here. I was simply making a point. Telling all that's wrong with me was for the sole purpose of contrasting what I'm about to say::

I am not fake.
I'm brutally honest and I never pretend. I won't ever tell you that I think you have a great idea when, in actuality, I think you could do better. I won't laugh when I don't get the joke. I won't go along with a plot I think is hateful or ugly for your entertainment. I won't tell you I am one way, when I'm another. I won't pretend to be what you want to get you to like me. And I won't pretend to like you if we don't get along.

I am so so so so so so so so so so far away from perfection. But at the end of the, I am who I am. What you see is what you get and you can bet on it.
You could do me a favor and offer the same in return.

Why Me??

Sometimes when too many things go terribly wrong we ask the question "Why me?" as in 'Why did God choose to pick on me?' 'Why can't things go my way?' 'What did I do to deserve this bad luck?' and we wonder why someone else didn't get our misfortune.
Well, today I was thinking about asking God "Why me?" but meaning it in a totally different way. I want to know why God picked me out of all those He's created to bless me with all the blessings I have. My life is wonderful, and it's all thanks to Him. I can't imagine it being possible to deserve all his love and giving. It isn't possible-I know that, but I can't even picture all one would have to achieve to earn all He gives to us.
As I was writing my Thank You cards to all the people who sent me a card or gift for graduation, it occurred to me that I CAN'T express how thankful I am to all the people in my life and to God for giving them to me. It actually made me extremely sad. I would really like to have a way to be able to show my gratitude. Maybe God meant for it to be this way. He wanted us to be unable to thank Him enough to once again demonstrate His power. Well, Lord, I get it. I see Your strength and I'm in awe.
What a God we have, you know it? And he loves me. Why me??

What a Person Puts in a Blog

So what is it exactly that a person puts in a blog??  I'm not totally sure and was hesitant to start this blog thing, jumping on the bandwagon...but I'm in now. What do I plan to put in a blog?? My life's news?? My thoughts and feelings?? I haven't yet decided. I'm open to suggestions but I'm hoping to somehow get a feel for all this. Did anybody else do it that way?? I'm so certain I'm not the only one who didn't know exactly what to talk about in the beginning. The important thing for YOU to know is that I can't write books, I can't sing songs, and my intellect is no kind of impressing. I just want to share. That's my plan for this blog. We'll see how it goes.

Hey ya'll looks like I have a blog now. Much posting and such to come very soon. I can't wait!!